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Don DeLillo, "Running Dog"

Started August 13 � Finished August 15, 2002; 246 pages. Posted 20 August 2002

(This is part 17 of an 18-part story, which begins here. Part 15 is here. And here is where you find part 10. Part five? Right here. And the beginning of this entirely too long story is located here. After that, you�re on your own.)

If I had known that this was the one and only time that we were going to be let into the water, I would have stuck it out. As it turned out, most of the customers were inexperienced swimmers and/or snorkels (or maybe they where just sick of the aggressive fish), so we packed up and left quicker than a normal outing would have. But it didn�t take long before they gave us our last perk of the day � FREE BEER! This trip cost me nearly a hundred dollars, so I�m gonna get as much booze as I can out of these fucks.

The female crewmember wagged an accusing finger at me as I grabbed my first beer. Obviously my desire to distance myself from the boat wasn�t appreciated. Whatever. I grab my beer and head toward the roof of the catamaran, ready to start a massive drinking campaign. But a large older woman blocks my path.

There�s a bunch of noise around me � we�re right by the motor of the ship, there�s a dozen people all talking about how they were attacked by fish when they got in the water (one woman is nearly crying), and the wind is whipping past my head. And when the lady that�s blocking my path says that she HAS to ask me a question, I�m already rolling my eyes. I�m just counting the seconds before she asks me how I got my hair to turn this color.

The lady has a thick Texan accent, and she has to practically yell over the din.

�AREYEWAWNATOUR?!?� she yells into my ear.

�Yes,� I say. After all, I am on a tour.

�NOTINHERE?!�

I give her a perplexed look. Of course I�m on a tour here! I�m on a tour boat, for fucks sake! I nod my head.

The woman throws her hands up. �I knew it! I knew it! When you got in the van I told my friend, �that boy�s an actor! I have his movie at home!� I gotta tell you, you were SO FUNNY in that! I bought that movie not because of that Hugh Grant fella, and not because of Julie Roberts � although I LOVE Julia Roberts, but because of you, �cause you were SO FUNNY!�

Wait a minute, what the hell is going on here?

Finally, I make out what she�s saying. She thinks I�m some actor in the film Notting Hill, a film I�ve never seen.

Now how the hell am I supposed to back out of this gracefully?

Well, who said I need to back out gracefully?

�Well, thank you!� I said. �You�re too kind!� I leaned forward conspiratorially, lowering my voice. �But listen, do me a favor and keep it on the downlow, �cause nobody else knows who I am. I�d kind of like to keep it that way.�

�Oh, it�s okay,� she whispered back, �I won�t tell a soul, but I just knew who you were when you got in the van. Listen, I gotta ask you, though I�m sure you get asked this all of the time, but how is Juila Roberts?�

I leaned in close to her ear. �Honestly,� I said, �She�s not very nice.�

�I knew it! I knew it! Oh, it�s a shame, because she has such a nice smile.�

�Yeah, well I think they actually use fishing hooks to help her get that look, cause I never saw her smile when the camera was off.�

�Oh, you�re terrible! But that�s okay, �cause I thought you were the best thing in that movie.�

�Thank you, you�re a dear. What�s your name?�

�My name�s Patricia, and I�m from Dallas, Texas.� (Incidentally, have you noticed that Texans always announce the state along with the city? Like I might confuse it with Dallas, South Carolina?)

I gave Patricia a hug and excused myself, climbing atop the roof of the catamaran, chuckling to myself. Okay, perhaps it was mean, but look at it this way � I heard this same woman complaining earlier about the trip and the aggressive fish, and now she was happy as a pig in shit, or a member of the Bush family during an election. Her meeting a movie star was probably the most exiting thing on her trip!

Fifteen minutes passed, and the crewmember that wagged her finger at me walked by. I stopped her and politely asked for another beer. She fetched it and when she came back she nuzzled up to my side. �So Dean,� she said, �you we�re in Notting Hill?�

�She told!� I said, rolling my eyes.

�No, don�t worry about it, she only told me, and I swear I won�t tell anyone. I just wanted to say that I thought you were very funny. You just tell me if there�s anything that you need, okay?�

The crew member walked off quickly, flashing me a quick smile and a wave. Behind her stood Patricia.

�Patricia...� I said sternly, wagging my finger at her.

�I�m sorry honey, but I just HAD to tell somebody. I told you that I told my friend when you first got in the van, but she�s never seen the movie. She swears she�ll keep our little secret.� She quickly stepped up onto the roof to sit next to me. �Listen, I hate to bug you, but I have to talk to you, because how often am I going to get a chance like this? I mean, I�m just a little ol� gal from Texas!�

Jesus Fuck. I�ve never even seen this movie, and I have no idea who the actor is. What am I supposed to do if she asks for an autograph? Just scribble something that�s totally illegible?

�Haven�t you been in some other films? �Cause I think I saw you in something else!�

�Well, sure I�ve been in other films, but Notting Hill was the only one that I ever really got a paycheck for, the rest are just quick appearances or simple extra work.�

�Well, you ought to be in more, �cause you just made the movie. I liked the movie, but you just made it wonderful!�

�Oh stop it, you�re embarrassing me, Patricia!�

�No, I�m serious! When you scratched your crotch, I almost died!�

Scratched my crotch? What the hell kind of movie is this, anyway?

�They put that in the film?� I asked. �Oh my lord, I was just messing around, �cause I thought it was funny! It wasn�t actually in the script. See I never actually saw the film once it was completed.�

�You didn�t? Oh you have to see it! Why didn�t you go see it?�

�Well, to tell you the truth, it wasn�t a fun experience. Julia Roberts was a jerk and that�s never fun to be around, and the director didn�t know what he was doing half of the time. I would spend nine hours waiting in my trailer, only to come out for five minutes to do one scene, and then they�d send me back to the trailer to wait some more. I tell you, it was that film more than anything that made me want to take a break.�

�Well, I tell you, it�ll be a shame if you don�t do any more films, but you have to do what you think is right for you.�

�Thank you Patricia, that means a lot.�

Patricia eventually left me alone, but the crewmember who was in on the secret kept circling nearby to ask if I wanted another beer. And I always did want another beer, because after all, us Hollywood types love to party!

Patricia also ended up getting rather sloshed herself off of free Coors Light, so much so that she actually fell down as we were starting to disembark. I think she was so embarrassed by her tripping, that she quickly piled into the back of the van, hiding her face from the crowd. She didn�t even say goodbye to me. The Crewmember, however, called after me as I walked up the gangplank.

�You make people laugh, Dean!� she said. �Remember, that�s very important!�

Jesus, I didn�t even mention the book, did I? The book wasn�t that good, although it started off very strong . But it just never went anywhere. In fact, with the streak of not so good Don DeLillo books that I�ve read, I�m wondering if I need to read �White Noise� again and see if it�s as good as I remember.


Rating: Worth working in a used bookstore and getting for really cheap.

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