The Monkey King's Used Primate Emporium and Book Reviews

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Jack Kerouac, �Doctor Sax�

Started October 22 � Finished October 24, 2002; 245 pages. Posted 31 October 2002

Christ, I am so far behind in writing these damn things out. You realize that I have two more to enter after this one? DO YOU? HUH?!?

But the days while I was reading this last week were good days indeed. I had just received a paper back from one of my professors who had written on the bottom, �You�re twisted, you know that? Great work � A� I mean really, what more can you ask for?

Then there was me taking a midterm in Anthropology � not a subject I know anything about � and then discovering 70 percent of the questions dealt with monkeys? I mean, hell, I know monkeys! I know all about monkeys! I�m the motherfucking Monkey King!

I can�t say that I nailed the test. There were some non-monkey related questions. Like when they got into the make up of a stem cell, I would look up hopefully. �Stem cells of Monkeys?� I�d ask, and the teacher would shake his head. Bastard.

Still, I knew I had at nailed at least 80 percent of it, which was a lot better than I expected. So I get out of class, pleased as punch, and decide in order to celebrate I�m gonna go fuck with the anti-smoking organization.

This is a group consisting of two people that I read about in our campus newspaper. Their stated manifesto is to have smoking banned entirely from campus. I strolled up to their booth.

�Did either of you drive to campus today?� I asked.

�No,� the girl said. �Well, actually, yeah, I did.�

�I see,� I said. �See, I ride a bike to campus, which means I have to ride behind you, sucking up your carcinogenic exhaust. Now the way I look at this is, if you stick 40 smokers in a garage and have a party, they�re all going to walk out of that garage. But if you stick one person in a garage and turn a car on, he�s dead in 20 minutes. So who�s causing more harm to the air and to people?�

The girl stared at me blankly.

�The way I see it,� I continued, pulling out my pack of Marlboro�s, �I think I deserve some payback.� I lit my smoke and stood there, puffing away, smiling at the both of them.

�But it�s your choice not to drive,� she said.

�Is it? Perhaps it�s economics.�

�But studies show that second-hand smoke causes health problems.�

�Studies show that emissions from automobiles cause health and environmental problems. And it�s on a larger scale. Are you telling me that my itty-bitty cigarette is causing more problems than your 4000-pound car?�

�No, but studies show that second-hand smoke affects people who don�t smoke. And since I don�t choose to smoke but have to breathe yours, you�re violating my rights. There was a study done at Harvard that says the concentration of second-hand smoke is highest within five feet of public doorways.�

�What study?� I asked.

�I have it right here,� she said, digging through her backpack and pulling out a newspaper clipping.

I think it�s fairly obvious that I can read pretty goddamn fast. So I read the article. When I finished and tossed it back to her, I noted that this study says that smoking is on the rise for youth�s aged 18 to 25. It had nothing about second-hand smoke and public doorways.

She scanned the clipping, and then said it must be a different article. She dug out another piece of paper and handed it to me. I read that one, pausing briefly to light another cigarette.

�This just says, �studies show.� What studies? I could say that studies show that you two are assholes, and I�d probably be right. But that statement still lacks proof.�

�Well,� she said in a resigned matter, �if you want to give me your address, I can send you the study when I find it.�

�Give my address out to a bunch of anti-smoking zealots?� I said. �I don�t think so. But I�ll tell you what � I�m pretty easy to spot on this campus. If you find the article, then give it to me. I�ll be the guy who�s smoking.�

I practically skipped away, beaming. I found my usual spot on campus, lit another cigarette, and finished off this book.

And it was terrible. All over the place, and not making much sense. Or if it did, it quickly changed characters or timelines or sentence structure until the entire thing was a mess. I slowly slogged through it and when I finished the last page, I was actually kind of sad that this book was ruining my great day. I had just enough time to get coffee before my last class.

As I got to the coffee shop, my path was cut off by a group of 13 year-old kids who were on tour of the campus. I already get disgusted with most people on the campus for being such fashion victims, but kids that are that age and are already starting to emulate the �fashionable� looks make me really depressed. And that was this group.

But then I caught sight of one kid in the back of the group. He had a red shirt on and emblazoned on the front in big block letters it read, �Something Corporate.�

Now that�s a cool kid, I thought, and went straight back into skipping mode. Only later did I find out it�s just another band that happens to be popular right now.

I am so not with it.


Rating: Worth shredding, mixing with rolling tobacco, and smoking in front of the anti-smoking zealots.

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