The Monkey King's Used Primate Emporium and Book Reviews

Ernest Hemingway, �The Old Man and the Sea�

After I did the song rating for the Monty Python book, I got an e-mail from Linda from Lincoln Avenue Books requesting that I do all my ratings in song or song parody form.

Now technically she is a competitor, so there may be some ulterior motive for this request, but what the hell. So just this once, follow the bouncing ball to Queen�s �Bohemian Rhapsody.� (If you�ve forgotten the lyrics, you can get a copy here.)

Ready? And-a one, and a-two...

Yeah I have no life.
My time is used all to read.
Have so many books left,
No time left to watch MST.
At morning I rise,
Look up at the titles and see...

I�m so far behind, I need something tiny.
�Cause I have nine dozen books to go.
Five of those by DeLillo.
But I don�t want to read those, so I settle in with
�The Old Man...
...And the Sea.�

Papa, I just killed a marlin
Rammed my harpoon into his head
Three more times, and now it�s dead.
It�s a whopper � this thing weighs a ton.
And he pulled my boat for several nights and days.

Papa, ooo...
Others don�t see why I try.
If I�m not back to shore this time tomorrow
Then fish on, for carrion...
As if nothing really matters.

It�s late, this fish weren�t so dumb.
I put tension on the line.
Hands were bleeding the whole time.
I daydream about baseball, and DiMaggio.
I should have cut the line, I should have turned him loose.

But Marlin � that�s good food.
I admire the way he fights.
But now I can�t fit its hide in my boat at all.

(tempo change)

I see many silhouettes of shark fins.
Must vamoose, must vamoose, for my name is Santiago.
All this equals fighting, very, very tiring for me.

First a Mako � it�s a Mako
Then galanos � lots of galanos,
See their teeth lined up in rows.

I�m just an old man, nobody loves me.
He�s just a Cuban, doesn�t have family.
He misses his wife, which is used for empathy.

(tempo change)

Been four days he�s been towed � will he let it go?
Qu� Va! - Will he not let it go? (let it go!)
Qu� Va! - Will he not let it go? (let it go!)
Qu� Va! - Will he let it go? (let it go!)
Will not let it go � (let it go!)
Never let it go... (let it go!)
He will not let it go...

Row, row, row, row, row, row, row!

Mama Mia, Mama Mia
There�s still three verses to go!

Ishmael can�t hold a motherfucking light to me...
for me...
And the sea!

(Headbanging time. Or maybe you can shake fishing rods in unison)

So you think you can steal what I caught with my line?
So you think you can bite the flesh of my fish at night?
I say Hail Mary�s, while I sail to safety.
Just gotta get out - just gotta get right outta here.

Ooh yeah, boo-yah.

(tempo change)

Rating classics doesn�t matter.
They�re something most people will read.
Rating classics doesn�t matter...
But I�d say pick this up...
...At the library.

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