Jack Kerouac, �Desolation Angels�
From the cover: �Desolation Angels explains perhaps even better than the other Kerouac novels what the place of religion may have been in the Beat mystique.�
-Nelson Algren
You know why? Because everyone who reads this starts praying to make it stop, make it stop, MAKE IT STOP!
While I was reading this piece of garbage, I happened to catch a Simpsons episode I�d never seen before. Homer wanted to get into the Duff book of world records, and visited the corporate office. �What�s the record,� he asks, �for a person doing this? Boogaboogaboogaboogablablablapfffttpffffftwhoopwhoop!�
I can answer that question � 409 pages. Thank god for the 11-page introduction by Joyce Johnson. Amazingly enough, it wasn�t as bad as Visions of Cody, also by Kerouac, but it was damn close. So close that I look at my to read shelf and I�m seriously thinking about burning the last three Kerouac novels I have left.
I don�t even want to talk about this book, as it makes me furious all over again. You may have noticed that it�s taken me a while to write about this book, and that�s because I was still recovering from the sheer awfulness of it all. Fortunately, something else much more interesting happened recently...
Just last week, I went and visited my hot professor who let me hear the death threats she got on her voice mail for being a liberal commie bastard. I, by chance, happened to wearing my upside-down-flag shirt, and complained that I couldn�t get any reaction out of the general public.
After I left her office, I picked up more coffee and headed over to my next class. And by chance, I happened to see one guy holding up a huge banner with photographs. No big deal, lots of classes force their students to host informational booths. But this guy was away from the typical designated area, and by some chance, I looked over to see what viewpoint he was expressing.
His sign had a half-dozen fetuses in a collage that would have failed any art class. A pro-lifer! Whoo! I practically skipped over to him.
A girl was already in a small debate with him and when I walked up, I heard her say, �Why don�t you just get out of here?�
�No, no,� I interrupted. �They have the perfect right to be here. After all, people have the right to express their opinion, even if it�s one that you may disagree with. But,� I continued, ignoring the guy with the sign, �You have to realize that their mode of operation is to make people uncomfortable. So really, I think the best thing to do is give them a taste of their own medicine by pointing out that they�re a bunch of assholes.�
I turned to the protester, who was less than a foot away from me, and screamed directly into his face. �ASSHOLE!�
�Hey, I�m just trying to show the realities of...�
�ASSHOLE!!! ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE!!! FUCKFACE SHITHEAD BASTARD MISOGYNIST DICKHEAD WEASEL VIRGIN CUNTBAG MORON ASSHOLE!!!�
�I�m trying to protect millions of children...�
�FUCK YOU, AND FUCK THE CHILDREN, YOU FUCKING FUCK!� I started jumping up and down, spittle flying from my lips as I screamed into his face from just inches away. �AND YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE YOU�RE AN ASSHOLE!!! ASSHOLE!!! FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!!! HEY, DO YOU HAVE ANY ADOPTED KIDS? OR ADOPTED BROTHERS OR SISTERS? OF COURSE YOU DON�T, AND YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE YOU�RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE!!! FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!!!
Well, he decided he wasn�t going to win me over to his point of view and attempted to return his focus to the girl whom he had been previously debating. But I wasn�t finished. Not by a long shot. I jumped in front of him again, still screaming.
�ASSHOLE!!! KNOW WHAT I SAY TO COCKKNOCKING CUMBUCKET WITH REPRESSED MOTHER ISSUES FUCKFACE SHITBAG MOTHERFUCKERS LIKE YOU? I SAY, FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!! DUMBFUCK FUCKHEAD SHITFERBRAINS, ASSHOLE!!!�
I start doing a happy monkey dance in front of his face. I had the biggest grin you will ever see me sporting without sleeping with me.
�Get away from me, buddy, or I�m calling the cops.�
�What are they gonna do, asshole? I�m not touching you. I�m just making my position known, just like you. And my position is that you�re an asshole. ASSHOLE!!!�
Godboy was joined by another kid. And I�m serious when I say kids. In fact, the entire group looked no older than 18, and there were three girls with them, which I�m not used to. I�ve tangled with Operation Rescue types before, and they�re usually exclusively middle-aged males.
But it didn�t matter. The new guy tried to reason with me. I was done reasoning. I leapt back and forth screaming in both of their faces. My original target finally noticed my shirt, and started screaming back that I was a fascist.
Man, pro-life people are fucking stupid.
They packed up their propaganda and joined the rest of their group. I followed.
The first guy began to film me in case I decided to punch them and he also looked the angriest at my presence. I dogged this guy even harder than the others, trying to get him to take a swing at me.
I followed them all the way off campus, screaming all the while. By this time I had decided that I was going to skip all my classes and scream at them for as long as my voice held out. Then the GodMobile pulled up, an enormous Winnebago that was surprisingly free of religious propaganda. I stood in front of the doorway as they attempted to load in.
�Oh, you wanna go in here? So how does it feel if I utilize even more of your tactics and block the entranceway? Huh, assholes? Huh, fuckers? ASSHOLES?!?!�
The doorway was too big, however, and they pushed past me without having to actually physically touch me on the way in. But they got an earful on the way past. If there�s any justice, they�ll be as deaf as Joe in one ear. The Winnebago lumbered slowly away with me still screaming at them, looking, I�m sure, like a total lunatic. This time I actually did skip to class, beaming.
Man, that was fun! I haven�t had an opportunity like that in quite a while! The only thing that would have made it any better would be if Kerouac himself were in their group. Two birds with one stone, if you will.
