The Monkey King's Used Primate Emporium and Book Reviews

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Warren Ellis, �Stormwatch: A Finer World�

Started March 21 � Finished March 21, 2003; 144 pages. Posted 10 April 2003

The other night I was getting ready to go to sleep, and as usual, I popped in an episode of MST3K, which I had picked at random. The particular movie I picked happed to be Outlaw which is adapted from the cult hit book series by John Norman�s Gor series.

Now I haven�t read any of these books, but from the covers, they look like the romance book for the terminal dork. Lots of scantily clad submissive women cowering next to a beefy Conan type warrior.

I�ve also met people who have come through the store who actually role-play (and by that, I don�t mean they use a board game and some dice) Gor characters. Two very frightening looking women once tried to explain to me about how they were �Slaves of Gor,� making nearly obscene descriptions about what this entailed. The thing was, if they were my slaves the only thing they would be doing is painting my house. Or maybe repairing the foundation.

Anyway, as to be expected since this was Mystery Science Theater 3000, the movie was fucking awful. And, if you can believe it, even having Jack Palance in a supporting role couldn�t save it. But the thing I remember about it the most was the introductory sidekick.

He was a weasely looking schmuck, a fat, sweaty mouth-breather with oversized glasses that looked like they would be more useful for wielding than to actually see correctly. And of course, he was annoying to no end, with a high pitched nasally constant whine, and no semblance of any social graces or intelligence whatsoever. Of course, Mike and the robots ripped on this guy mercilessly.

As the movie continues, the Conan-esque hero and this dork who continues to wear a poorly fitted tie even after being transplanted in the middle of the desert, find themselves inside a harem, where the native savages (who all have bleached feathered hair in 1970s style), all flock to the new men. There�s a rather disgusting scene where three women all paw at this dork.

And then the queen, who parades about in a bathing suit with push-up capabilities, orders the other women out of the room, and, after some expository dialogue (term used loosely), plants a big open-mouthed kiss on his disgustingly fat, sweaty lips.

At that point, Tom Servo pipes up. �Hmmmm,� he says, �you taste like comic books.�

So I think I�ll just stop writing now.


Rating: Worth flea market prices.

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