Jamie Goddard and Kurt Brungardt, �Lesbian Sex Secrets�
Well, gee golly gosh, I get to go from being a fighter to a lover. Imagine that.
And I can even tie these two things together. The lips are one of the most sensuous areas on the human body, only my lips are all split and busted, and it does not get me all hot and bothered to have them touched right now.
Well, maybe bothered.
In addition, I�ve noticed that if you break half of your lips, say, the top half, the rest of your lips will split and get sores out of sympathy. Though my initial wound has almost healed, my bottom lip feels like it wants to leave the party. And if it did, how the hell am I supposed to get all these lesbians? Huh? HUH?!?
This book comes from the idea that some people like to give gifts, but are unsure what to buy you. Gag gifts are a nice idea, but they rarely work out as you�d like them to. After all, the girl who bought it for me probably thought it was funny, and was probably pretty sure I wouldn�t read it, and was probably pretty sure I didn�t already have a copy of it as well.
Well, I didn�t have it, but she�s wrong on the second part. I�ve always been in favor of knowing thy enemy, and if these lesbians are going to be my competition for cute girls with short hair, then yeah, I want to know their tactics. Those who don�t know the other side of the argument don�t know their own, as the story goes.
So we start Chapter One of Lesbian Sex Secrets: �the two things that will help you in these sexual matters,� it says, �is to one — have a vagina, and two — not have a dick.�
I�m just kidding. The actual full title of this book is Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men. But, being as this is co-written by a man, are we supposed to trust the information provided? Can we be sure this isn�t some nefarious plot to make all men look even more undesirable?
�Oh sure, honey, women really just want you to take your time,� the book says, �and to know how to fist a girl. And remember to buy her presents. It wouldn�t hurt to cry once in a while.�
These are all tips, I swear.
I still remember the first advice I got in dealing with relationships with the opposite sex, which came to me by my friend�s dad when I was sixteen. �Your problem is you keep trying to be the nice guy, and that�s why they all say you�re like a brother or a best friend,� he said. �Act like an asshole, and you�ll be beating them away with a stick. And since you�ll be acting like an asshole, it�s okay to actually use the stick.�
Being sixteen and impressionable, I gave it a shot. And it worked. I�d say the high point (or low point, take your pick) came about at a party we had at our house, whereupon three girls that I was sort of seeing all showed up for the festivities.
I pulled a Peter Brady Halloween Episode for as long as I could, keeping them in different rooms and racing back in forth, before I finally said fuck it and jumped off the second story balcony and hid out in the park across the street. But, like a bad romantic comedy, I got stuck on one girl who got me in the same fashion that I had hooked others previously.
I thought that was a pretty shitty way to treat somebody. Fortunately, I had a friend who was smart enough to notice the similarities, and mean enough to make it clear to me. So I stopped acting like a dick. I may have fewer relationships, but they certainly seem to be better. And I�m pretty sure I�ve said this before.
That�s the problem with doing this for two years. You run out of stories.
Of course, �better� is a relative term — as since this revelation I�ve dated a girl who thought she was possessed by the devil and ripped out a section of my neck with her fingernails, two others who would rather date skinheads then myself (I figure it�s the asshole factor at work), and not one, but two girls who I fell really fucking hard for.
But at least I can look at myself in the mirror, and as a friend of mine recently put it, I don�t need to keep track of the lies.
So apparently, all I need now is the vagina.
Or vaginas. Take your pick.
