The Monkey King's Used Primate Emporium and Book Reviews

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Alan Moore, �Swamp Thing: A Murder of Crows�

Started January 25 - Finished January 25, 2004; 206 pages. Posted 25 February 2004

Today marks one month that I have fallen behind in these reviews. Sad isn't it? I mean that it's sad that I actually know how far behind I am, not sad because I haven't posted anything in a long time.

It's not that I haven't read anything. In fact, there is a large stack of books sitting on my desk that are begging and pleading for me to write something witty and insightful about them, so that they may find another little boy who may be interested in them and then they can live again.

Things look bad for these poor books. Take this one by Alan Moore for example. I already knew I was going to love it, as this was a reprint of the Swamp Thing series that first introduced me to Alan Moore. If that wasn't enough, it turns out I don't have most of these individual issues, so it was a mix of stuff that I knew and loved, and stuff that I was just introduced to � and loved.

But I'm not going to tell you about it, because I got The Best Valentine's Day Present Ever!

I know, I know, Valentine's Day is a marketing tool designed by Paul of the Diamond Center and the cabal of Hallmark Cards in association with the flower industry. It's pseudo-cute and it's terribly annoying, and we just finally got rid of those Christmas decorations in all the shops only to be replaced by hearts and tons of red and pink, and can't we have a month where we're not expected to shop!?!

Yes, I know all the arguments. I've even said some of them. But The Girlfriend and I knew we were going to be around each other anyway, and thus we both started plotting. I bought and modified a pair of handcuffs so I would still be able to drive and planned on taking her to see Monster � the film about the female serial killer. After all, most of the girls I dated were crazy and she wasn't, so I could go see it without having to worry about her getting ideas.

I liked my plan. It was simple, nobody who expected to profit off this day would get any of my money, and we'd still be able to go out so as not to have to listen to the peanut gallery who would cluck and tisk if they found out we hadn't done anything. But I wasn't expecting this gift from her.

Okay, she wins.

Where can you get one, you ask? You can't. She made it for me. Think about that: the time it takes to find a monkey with a heart, rip the heart from its hands, embroider the curse on the back and reattach it. We've already figured out that if we didn't spend most of our time engaged in carnal pursuits, we could be a legitimate threat to all mankind.

Mankind is still safe for now.


Rating: Worth used.

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