Stanley G. Hilton, �Senator for Sale: The unauthorized biography of Bob Dole�
Jeez, I don�t know what to think about this whole gig at Maximum RockNRoll. I kinda have enough books to read in the first place. There are a couple of pros and cons to the entire idea.
PRO: The books they have for review are a lot of things I read anyway: cultural criticism, graphic Novels, independent comics, social theory, etc.
CON: I already have at least 90 books waiting for me to read.
PRO: I would get these books for free, meaning I wouldn�t have to pay for them later, and I�m pretty broke at this point.
CON: I already have at least 90 books waiting for me to read.
PRO: I could use some more current clips, as I haven�t written for a publication in 2 years, not counting my book, which doesn�t count.
CON: I already have at least 90 books waiting for me to read.
Anyhoo, I actually wrote for MRR once before, during the 1996 presidential election. I covered the National Republican Convention in San Diego, paying my own fare, and all my own expenses. The problem was, I didn�t have a computer at this time. I wrote the entire thing out on my friend�s word processor, then had to print it out, edit, and retype it all. Finally, I had to fax it over to MRR�s office.
I was past deadline, and they put it in without any copyediting. This was not a good idea. Their scanner wasn�t of the highest quality, and letters like �m� were put in the issue reading �ln� There�s errors abound in the piece, and thus I never really showed it to anybody.
I found this book in the supermarket as I was wandering around San Diego. It was a quick knockoff trash biography, but I thought I might as well pick it up to se if I could get some insight. And I actually did. This book must have been well thought out, as Hilton was a former staff member of Dole�s, and this has some meticulous research.
The funny thing was, I went to Hawaii almost immediately after the convention, bringing this book with me. My father then stayed at what essentially was the Sierra Clubhouse. There was another guy who was staying for a week, who was a total stock republican. While we argued, I told him to read some of this book and handed it over, even though I hadn�t finished it yet.
For the next week I kept asking if he had a chance to look at it, and he hadn�t. Then he left, and he stole my book! I have no idea why he did it, except that perhaps he wanted to burn it. So, more than five years later when this came into the store, I bought it again so I could finish it.
And I�m glad I did, even if it�s totally irrelevant now. Kinda like the piece I wrote for MRR.
And here it is. Warning: This is long and I haven�t read it since it was published, so I don�t know if it�s any good.
Prologue
If you were one of those kids in grade school or high school who had a hard time respecting authority, journalism might be a good profession for you. Some of the same traits that might have gotten you in trouble with your teachers might make you a good reporter� Taken from �News Writing � a Student Study Guide,� by Peter Berkow.
I wrote for an �underground� magazine for a year straight, doing socio-political commentary. (Actually, it was more like me bitching about various people.) I eventually quit, for a number of reasons. One, the magazine started accepting advertisements from Budweiser and gave congratulations to Rancid for the infamous Madonna photo. Two, I didn�t own a typewriter, and my editor refused to proofread my chicken scrawl. Three, I got beat up.
Then I heard the Republican National Convention would be in San Diego. I have to say I�d missed the opportunity to talk to someone I hated, and to ask questions that I knew made them angry.
The biggest problem with journalism is that you have to be objective. Even advocacy journalists are expected to be fair if they wish to remain employed. So what do you do when you come across a total scumbag? Your opinion doesn�t count as a journalist. In fact, you�re not supposed to have an opinion.
This is not a journalistic piece.
San Diego � My Kinda Town
San Diego is usually thought of as a border town or an abandoned military area. Truth is, it�s worse. It�s a seedy beach front with a higher population that San Francisco, with approximately 2,500,000 people. After the military left, the citizens took a hint from Tijuana and became a party town. Trendy bars line the streets in concentrated areas. But like in Tijuana, stroll too far from the main areas and you might find yourself in serious trouble.
It�s a MTV kinda town, with bikinis and beach volleyball running rampant. The crime rate is higher here than the national average for most crimes, and is twice as high in auto theft. One of the only crimes lower than the national average is rape, presumably because everyone is either passed out, or drunk and willing. On the day that Dole gave his acceptance speech, a 36-year-old man shot and killed three instructors on the local campus, but the downtown area has received a face-lift. Every street has been paved over, every lamppost has been repainted and every manhole cover has been sealed for security against the mole people.
I stayed in the Hillcrest area, which has one of the highest populations of homosexuals in the U.S. The area set up a citizen patrol board hung a sign in the window saying �Report hate crimes here.� On my second day in town, I burst in shouting, �There�s a bunch of Republicans having a convention downtown! And they said they would be here all week!�
They kicked me out.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Bob Dole!
Let�s get this out of the way right now. Bob dole is 73, an age when most people have either retired or had the decency to die.
I don�t think that�s too important. Reagan was the same age when he won his second term in �84 (and we know what a great job he did, right kids?) and Strom Thurmond is 20 years older.
But one thing is for certain: Bob Dole wants this job. Why? Because presidents are preserved in history books, while congressmen go the way of Menudo or New Kids On The Block. Dole wants this job so bad that he retired from the senate, shocking many of his brethren. This seems to be a great idea � after all, Clinton can�t quit his gob to concentrate on running for re-election.
But there is an advantage that politicians have that no one else enjoys. It�s called Absolute Privilege. What this means is, as long as he�s working for the government (i.e., speaking on the senate floor), Dole can say whatever he wants about whomever he wants and not have to worry about being sued for libel. For instance, if I was senate majority leader, I could walk up to the podium and say, �you know why Operation Rescue wants to outlaw abortion? It�s because they�re a bunch of child molesters and they haven�t been getting any action, and they need some new blood!�
As a member of Congress, working for the government, I could say that and not get sued. Dole has now lost that privilege, and now others will have to lie for him.
Dole�s right hand is partially crippled from a shrapnel wound received in World War II. He constantly clutches a pen or other small object to ward anybody away who might try to shake his hand. I watched Dole on television, speaking to a veterans group and he was obviously uncomfortable because he could not return salutes, or even place his hand on his heart during the Pledge of Allegiance.
It�s this dualism that makes Dole so fascinating � the patriot who can�t salute is the same person who once said, �when special interests contribute money they want something in return other than good government,� yet received more money from tobacco lobbyists than you�ll ever see in your lifetime.
And speaking of tobacco, did anybody see when Bob wheeled out that basket of cigarettes and Jack Kemp threw them into the audience? Fat businessmen knocked over old ladies grabbing as many packs of Marlboro�s and Camels they could get. The press stood back, smiling, because we had already stolen several hundred cartons from backstage. You probably didn�t see it, because they can�t advertise cigarettes on television. Take my word for it.
[section excised for length]
Patrick J. Buchanan � The Man, the Myth, the Monotheistic Mongoloid
Buchanan is a short, fat, odious little toad who bears a striking resemblance to Tom Metzger, of White Aryan Resistance. Funny he should share a lot of the same ideologies as well.
Buchanan, again unsuccessful in his bid for the presidency, has been played down since the last convention in Houston in 1992, and with good reason. When he took the stage on Aug. 17, he made a speech that went something like this: �You know what�s wrong with this country? It�s the niggers and queers and women that won�t stay in the kitchen! We have lesbians wanting to join the army, and illegal aliens getting on welfare and then slaughtering millions of defenseless unborn children with abortions!�
Well, that�s not exactly what he said, but it was close. Many were confused by how the party that had started as an abolitionist movement had evolved into a party with plantation owner mentality. One delegate walked out of the convention the next day and announced she was considering voting for Clinton, as she could no longer stand the racist, sexist diatribe that had spewed forth. Thousands of republicans followed her lead. Many blamed Bush losing the presidency to Buchanan�s speech alone.
Still, Buchanan is an interesting case. The press goes easy on him because, essentially, he is one of us. He is a journalist. He has his own political commentary show. To attack him is to attack one of our own, a group more tightly woven than the cops or the Mafia. Buchanan knows this, and he knows how to work the press.
Even more to his advantage is that Buchanan doesn�t have a lesbian activist for a sister, as is the case with Newt Gingrich. Oh no, Buchanan�s sister, Bay Buchanan, is his campaign manager. And Bay has no problem walking up to the podium and saying, �Yes, I do believe the decisions concerning my body should be decided by white males over the age of 40, thank you.�
But Buchanan has been effectively silenced this time around. After holding out until the last minute, he appeared on TV and asked his supporters to back Dole. He looked like he had been worked over with sticks by the other republicans, and I expect that�s exactly what happened. He spent the rest of the week at Sea World, trying unsuccessfully to shame the fish into abstaining from spawning.
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�Most of the world was mad. And the part that wasn�t mad was angry. And the part that wasn�t mad or angry was just stupid. � � Taken from Pulp, by Charles Bukowski.
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The freaks that couldn�t get in protested outside, and there were a lot of freaks. Members of PETA and the ASPCA brought their pets, and members of the NRA shot them. Operation Rescue kissed babies, and the National Organization of Women kissed each other. And I was in the middle of it.
Operation Rescue were among the first to show up, lurching out from alleyways with glazed looks on their faces and huge signs supposedly of pictures of aborted fetuses, but looked suspiciously like pictured of war-torn victims of Bosnia.
They held a small prayer meeting and then started circling the street. Soon after, the pro-choice side showed, carrying signs of their own. The cops quickly separated the two factions, lining them next to each other on a path. I tried to walk back and forth between the two factions, but was quickly thrown out for lack of a press pass. I went across the street and waited for the confrontation that always happens.
Twenty minutes passed. The Pro-choice side lost their enthusiasm for their chants and stood around, looking bored. Operation Rescue stood around looking brain dead. Without warning, O.R. broke ranks with the line and staged a rally in a nearby park.
[...]
Bobby Bible
Bobby Bible (his real name) says he is the Vice-presidential candidate for the year 2000. His running mate, he says, is Jesus Christ. He drove to San Diego in a van with every inch covered with biblical verses and crosses. Holding a banner mounted on a stick three times the size he is, the banner reads �gO To CRURCH NOT HELL (Actual spelling and capitalization).
Below those words, where it reads �HEAVEN or HELL,� the �N� is backward, just like Bobby. During his diatribe, he said Jesus wouldn�t talk to the homosexuals, and that God has turned their back on them, for they have no hope and will burn in hell. A rather sharp reporter (not me, unfortunately) asked why he wanted the homosexuals to repent, if they had no hope and all. Bobby paused for a moment.
�Anything is possible,� he said finally.
Like a complete contradiction perhaps?
He wasn�t finished with the gay issue though, adding that he was for capital punishment for all homosexuals. He paused again. �All homosexual men, that is. The female lesbians (as opposed to the male ones), you spank, then tell them not to do it again.�
Bobby does have a kinder, gentler side, it turns out.
To emphasize this, he flipped his banner over, which now read, �Hell is very hot. Don�t go, read the bible for details.� I reached down and took his bible, opened it and read to him:
And when you pray you must not be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners so that they me be seen by men. Truly I say to you � they have their own reward. But when you pray, do in to your room and shut the door and pray to your father in secret, who seen in secret will reward you. - Matthew 6:5-6
He wouldn�t give me and answer because I was a heathen smoker.
Bobby holds a job when he�s not harassing the passerby�s at conventions, believe it or not. After the convention finished he said he was going back to Long Beach, where he worked as a pipe fitter. �Anyone who has a job is an honorable man,� he said. I asked him about abortion doctors. He wouldn�t answer that one either.
[I�m cutting it off there � this is too long already, and frankly, the piece goes downhill from there. If anybody really wants the rest (And I can�t imagine why you would), I can e-mail it to you.]
