Graham Chapman, et al, �Monty Python�s Life of Brian�
I realized this afternoon as I was reading at the coffee shop before having to start work, that I was reading a Noam Chomsky book on Valentine�s Day. The last time I was reading a Chomsky book was on New Year�s Eve.
I have one Chomsky book left on my shelf. I think I�ll save that one for my birthday in April, just to complete the loser cycle.
But I�m not reviewing a Chomsky book, so I�ll shut up about it. Arlette once told me about her working in a comic shop that had a role playing annex across the mall walkway. She said one thing that she and her co-workers noticed was how each faction of fanboy that came in had a hierarchical system that they believed in.
Example: �Hey, I may be a comic book geek, but at least I don�t do role playing games.�
Or �I might role play, but at least I�m not into Anime.�
�I might like Anime, but at least I don�t collect statues or figurines.�
Some weren�t even that specific with what made them just a little better than a total loser. �I�m a geek, not a nerd,� they�d say. Then a nerd would come in, scratch that, and reverse it.
And lord, since I just quoted Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, what does that make me?
Actually, that�s my point. Arlette said it was suggested that a flow chart be made so everybody could figure how low on the Social Darwinism ladder they were. I�m not sure where I fit on that chart. Consider:
- I just read a film script version of the Monty Python film.
- It�s not the first script for a Python film that I�ve read.
- When I was 15, my friend had a laserdisc of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and I attempted to transcribe the entire movie by hand. I got as far as the appearance of Sir Bedevere before friends showed up and demanded that I stop pausing the film to write down the dialogue.
Those three points, I would say, bring me pretty high geek points, which brings me lower on the ladder. But at the same time...
- I do not walk around quoting lines from the films or television series incessantly.
- I�ve never purchased a Python product new. In fact, when Eric Idle went on tour last year singing Python songs, I wrote his publicist saying as much, and that I wasn�t about to start giving them royalties now. I got on the work list instead, getting in for free.
- Arlette and I had heavy makeout sessions before during and after the performance. That alone puts me up much higher than the average person who went that night.
And while I don�t quote lyrics, there have been times where I�ve made the High Fidelity-esque tape for somebody who I was sweet on, where I included the Python song, �Sit On My Face and Tell Me That You Love Me.� I�m not sure if that brings me up or down on the ladder.
But there are other factors as well. I�ll try and rotate them for negative and positive points.
- BAD: I�m over 30, yet I�m still going to the comic shop.
- GOOD: I�m only buying one comic, for the same character that I�ve loved since I was nine years old.
- BAD: I�ve bought statues and figures of the same character, and there�s a display of these items on top of my computer desk.
- GOOD: There are people in this world called completionists, who will buy any comic of other titles, even if the character appears for only one panel, or even worse, is only mentioned by name by another character. I am not in this group.
- BAD: I know what a completionist is.
- GOOD: I�ve been in a band that made records, went on tour, and got fan mail.
- BAD: I love bands like DEVO and Weird Al, and I�ve seen both of them live.
- GOOD: I don�t waste my time watching crap on television like C.O.P.S. or reality TV, and I've never seen a single episode of Star Trek in any incarnation.
- BAD: Television that I do like are things like MST3K, The Prisoner, and The Muppet Show. I like Muppets.
- GOOD: Instead of watching bad TV, I read 164 books last year.
- BAD: I read 164 books last year and wrote about them.
- GOOD: I�ve lived on my own pretty much since I was 16.
- BAD: I�m still living in a Punk House.
- GOOD: I�m not overweight, acne ridden, stinky or greasy. In fact, I have to say that I�m relatively hot.
- BAD: I buy things like plaid old man golf pants and cut them into shorts, have the ugliest pair of Chuck Taylor�s imaginable, own a trench coat AND a leather jacket.
So I can�t figure out how socially awkward and retarded I am. But I�ll say this � I�m bored with writing, so I�m gonna go down to the local dive bar, and as it is Valentine�s Day, I�m gonna play all the heartbreaking songs from the Tom Waits �Small Change� album and see if I can make anybody cry while I drink beer and play pool. That should put me higher on the geek ladder.
Except for the fact that I�m bringing the Chomsky book with me.
[POSTSCRIPT]
I just got back. I arrived at the dive bar just a little past 11:30. It was more packed that a usual Monday night crowd. I thought this was good and shoved two bucks in the jukebox to play seven out of 11 songs off the Small Change album on the jukebox.
My name was erased off of the list for people to play pool so the incredibly stupid girl with the nice ass could play. I signed up again. By the time we got close to my turn, most people had left.
In the meantime, after an hour and a half of enduring Led Zeppelin, House of Pain, and Slayer tunes, I read, waiting for Tom Waits to begin. After one particularly bad rap/metal song, and at the exact point that I finished the Chomsky book (170 pages later), I heard the opening refrains to �Tom Traubert�s Blues.�
And that�s all I heard, as the bartender snapped off the jukebox and told us all to get the fuck out.
I went outside to unlock my bicycle. After an entire day of Mother Nature threatening to start a rainstorm, it finally began as I started to pedal home.
So I guess the geek score doesn�t matter. Anyway you count the points, I�m a fucking loser.