Peter Phillips (editor), �Project Censored: 2005�
Fern, she of the chicken dance and wearer of aviator helmets, walked up and punched me in the same shoulder that I recently had three immunizations.
�What the hell?� I asked, rubbing my shoulder. �You gone blood simple or something? Because you had the second part down pat already.�
�I wish you weren�t moving away,� she said.
�Hey, this was your bright idea! I�m just following instructions!�
�What?�
�You told the ex-girlfriend that nothing was going to get any better until one of us moved far away from each other.�
�That�s not what I said! I said that if she was going to be all wishy-washy about what she wanted from you, then she might as well move out of the country. I didn�t want you to leave!�
�Oh,� I said.
�Well,� I continued.
�That�s quite different.�
And since I was already channeling Roseanne Rosanna Danna, I decided to switch pop culture references and go into Nicholas Cage from Vampire�s Kiss, throwing my head left and right violently as I chanted.
�Too late! Too late! TOO LATE!!!�
You know, after reading 11 1/2 years worth of this Censored collection (one book was stolen just when I was almost finished), you think I would have learned to get the other side of the story.
You would think that, and you would be wrong.
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Speaking of the ex-girlfriend, I went with her to see Land of the Dead, with the sole purpose of rooting with for the zombies. And we�re quite the zombie movie pair. Already enjoying the fuck out of the film, watching humans get ripped apart and Dennis Hopper picking his nose, we come to the big emotional moment of the film.
The rescuers come back to the city fortress with weapons and shine a light over the horizon to check if the path is clear. The spotlight shows the biggest feeding frenzy of zombie movie history, limbs and entrails flying everywhere, with ambient noise of lip smacking and chewing. The music swells. The rescuers look horrified with the tragedy of they�re coming too late to help. Everything about the film is screaming, �Oh, the humanity! Be sad! BE SAD!!!�
And the two of us are stamping our feet on the floor, howling in abashed laughter.
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Since it�s the Fourth of July, I figured I would leave you with something patriotic. My butt.
Yes, I am wearing those backward, thank you very much.
