The Monkey King's Used Primate Emporium and Book Reviews

Neil Gaiman, multiple titles

• The Last Temptation (Started May 23 � Finished May 24, 2005; 104 pages)
  
• Spawn: Angela�s Hunt (Started May 24 � Finished May 24, 2005; 72 pages)

Well, I said I had a hankering to read some Neil Gaiman, didn�t I?

And remember how I said he seemed like a nice guy? It comes across in the Spawn book. Look, I don�t know shit about Spawn. I�m not really interested to find out. I saw the first HBO cartoon. I think I saw the movie, but I don�t remember anything about it. I think I glanced at the comic once or twice when it came into the store, and it looked like the complaints that Alyssa makes in Chasing Amy: The big guns, big tits, small words genre for boys who don�t have access to the first two.

Todd McFarlane, king of the action figure, apparently approached Gaiman to plot out a mini-series, and Gaiman said yes. They�re probably friends. Still, since McFarlane is doing the art, we get page after page of women with aerodynamically unfeasible clothing. Gaiman makes a joke out of this, having the Spawn character constantly wondering aloud how it�s possible that everybody looks like they stepped out of a Victoria�s Secret catalog.

I think Gaiman�s been approached by a lot of people to write something. And I think he accepts a lot of them out of a natural curiosity to see if he can pull it off, no matter how silly it is. That�s the case with the other book, which was pitched by the agents of Alice Cooper.

I�m sure somebody is going to bite my head off for this, but I don�t get the fan base that Alice Cooper has. Granted, I�ve only heard a half dozen songs, but he seems so white bread. I mean really, is he supposed to be spooky? �Cause he�s not. If eyeliner made you scary, then The Misfits would terrify me. I saw Samhain play, along with The Misfits (sans Danzig). I couldn�t stop giggling at The Misfits show. Oooh! He�s holding a skull and wearing a cape and comes out of a coffin!

So did Screamin� Jay Hawkins, at least 15 years previously. And Jay has better songs.

Whatever. Who cares? On to other things.

I forgot to mention that the Red Hot Punk Rock Goddess finally contacted me � 30 people killed four houses away from her front door, her street in rubble. I wasn�t being melodramatic when I said I was worried.

And speaking of Red Hot Punk Rock Goddesses, I think it�s high time I start the hiring process. I need a new Serving Wench/Partner In Crime. Care to fill out an application?

• Name:
  
• Sex (Check one) [ ] Male: [ ] Female [ ] Sure, why not?
  
• Age:
  
• Mental Age:
  
• Position applying for:
  
• Favorite position:

• 1: Favorite movie, book, and food. And I�ll hit you with a brick if you say �Fried Green Tomatoes�
  
• 2: Use five adverbs to describe yourself.
  2a: Did I say adjectives? No, I didn�t. I said adverbs, thank you.
  2b: Yes, I know it would be easier to use adjectives for descriptive terms, but where�s the fun in that?
  2c: Look, who�s asking the questions here?
  
• 3: Ok, now you can use five adjectives to describe yourself.
  
• 4: Since you�re so big on adjectives, how about five more that other people would use to describe you?
  
• 5: What five would they use if they knew you weren�t listening?
  
• 6: Do you have any unresolved emotional issues?
  6a: Um... are you ok?
  6b: Hey... Don�t cry. Everything�s fine, I was just asking.
  6c: Let�s just go to the next question. No, it�s fine. No, really!
  
• 7: In your opinion, what time is the best time for The Sex? (Circle one)
  
  Day Time.
  Night Time.
  Miller Time.
  Hammer Time.
  What Time Is It Now?
  
  
• 8: If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
  8a: Do you often think of what kind of tree you would be? What are you, some kind of hippie? Get out of my office.
  
• 9: What block of Lynard Skynard lyrics would best describe you?
  
• 10: Explain why you know the lyrics to a Lynard Skynard song. This better be good.
  
• 11: Hey, what�s that on your shoulder? Ha! Made you look!
  
• 12: What did you just call me?

You are walking through a park when you come across a group of children smiling beatifically and waving at you. Do you...

(A) Smile and wave back.
(B) Point at something behind them and sneak away.
(C) Reach slowly for the ammunition.
(D) All of the above.

Do you know all the lyrics to either the �Who Broke My Window� song from the Church of Latter-day Saints, or the Monchichi commercial?

When you have answered all these questions, please fold application threefold, wad it in a ball, put it in your mouth and start chewing, �cause I�m leaving town, suckas!

I mean, unless you�re willing to relocate. If so, please pull forward to the drive-up window.

In a skirt.