The Monkey King's Used Primate Emporium and Book Reviews

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Warren Ellis, �Transmetropolitan� (Multiple titles)

Started May 22 � Finished May 22, 2006; 288 pages. Posted 11 July 2006

�Dean?�

�Yeah, right here.�

�So, you want to get hooked up with a Verizon cell phone?�

�Nope.�

�No?�

�No, but I kinda have to, so I suppose we can get started. I�m just saying it�s a poor choice of words.�

�Oh... I see. Have you had a cell phone before?�

�Yeah, I had to get one in England because of my job. When that job was finished I smashed the phone to pieces with a whiskey bottle.�

�A whiskey bottle?�

�Well, actually, it was two whiskey bottles. I broke the first bottle while breaking the phone and wasn�t satisfied, so I got a second one.�

�Oh, I see...�

�When that bottle broke, I jumped up and down, stomping on the pieces.�

�Really. Well...�

�I considered actually eating the pieces so I could physically shit them out of my system, but that seemed a little extreme.�

�Well, yeah. At least a little...�

�So I set the pieces on fire instead.�

�Oh. Um. Well, would you like to see what we have?�

�No.�

�No?�

�No, but again, it�s a poor choice of words.�

�Oh, I get it. Well, I�ll just show you what we have over here. Did you have a particular model that you wante... that you were inter... uh...�

�I know, it�s difficult. Look, I don�t need to show off. I don�t need cutting edge. No fancy colors. No ring tones playing �My Humps.� The phone should ring, I answer, we talk, and I hang up. That�s about it. I don�t need to know my horoscope or my heart rate or to be able to take pictures of my cock so I can put it up on MySpace.�

He shows me the cheaper line of phones, the ones, which are actually that — phones. Obviously used to his role as salesman, however, he makes conversation. �So why do you hate cell phones?� he asks.

�I don�t hate cell phones. I really, really, really, really really really, really, REALLY hate cell phones. Really.�

�Really?� he says, starting to enjoy this conversation.

�Yeah, really. Really, really.�

�Yeah, but why?�

�OK, I shouldn�t blame my hatred on the technology. What I hate is the culture that these things have created. I hate that it�s now socially acceptable to halt conversation to answer a call or reply to a text. I hate that nobody in a theater is incensed when somebody�s phone goes off in the middle of the picture. I hate the people who shout into these things saying all the catch phrases from the commercials at a volume where the person on the other line can probably hear them without ever turning their phone on. I hate that these things are promoted as a sign of social stature instead of a legitimate communication tool. And I hate the reliance that people claim when defending ownership.�

�OK, that I understand. Still though, a lot of people have legitimate uses for them...�

�Oh, besides calling me to say they�re outside of my house instead of getting out of the car to ring the doorbell? I suppose. But that�s just it, isn�t it? You have all these people saying they couldn�t survive without their cell phone, yet they did. It�s a relatively new technology. Car is broken down on the freeway? There are emergency phones along the roadside that have been there forever. And in the city? Payphones have unlimited local calls for 50 cents, and I noticed your payment plan is 45 cents a minute after you run out of the allotted time. No, this is just instant gratification at an unreasonable price.�

�So why are you getting one?�

�I�m being forced into it. I live in the Manoa Hills and whenever it rains, which is often, the landline is filled with static for at least two weeks. Plus, all the roommates have cells, so they don�t want to pay for the landline anymore. Paying for a landline that only works some of the time didn�t make sense, no matter how much I hate these things.�

�What about those payphones?�

�Oh, don�t get me started. I spent a half-hour trying to find a pay phone that worked one night, just so I could call the police. And by the way, I noticed Verizon runs most of the payphones on the island, which makes me wonder if there isn�t some sort of forced obsolescence going on here.�

�Hmmmm.� says the salesperson. �That�s an interesting point. In any case, this model here just covers the basics...�

�Is one of those basics the GPS positioning?�

�Well, sure. All phones are equipped with that.�

�Ever wonder why they do that? I mean, it doesn�t help you figure out what bar you left your phone behind in, right? So what�s the point of you knowing where I am at all times? And who else has access to that information?�

�Well, I don�t really know about that...�

�Well, that�s kinda my point. But, come on, it does seem a little insidious, doesn�t it?�

�Well...�

�Perhaps even evil?�

�I see what you�re saying. I even get it. So are you sure you want one?�

�Ah, ah, ah,� I say, waving my finger.

�Oh, right. Are you still going to get one in spite of all this?�

�Yeah. I guess I am.�

He starts plugging all my information into the computer. �Hey,� I say as he types and transcribes, �so with this cheap basic model, does that mean I can�t plug in ringtones?�

�Like the �My Humps� song?�

No, I was thinking more about the soundtrack from �Psycho�.�

�No, you can�t.�

�Dammit.�

He has me pick a prefix, which I do so at random. He waits for a moment as my number (�I am not a number!�) is assigned. I�m about to make an allusion to Auschwitz when he starts laughing.

�What?� I ask.

�Remember about what you said about cell phones being evil?�

�Sure.�

�The last four numbers the computer assigned you are 4-666.�

The 666 would have been enough. But what this can be interpreted as is, �For 666.� As in positive. Positively evil.

I knew it.

The saddest part of all this is after playing around with my new evil toy for an evening, I think I need to upgrade. After all, I got this phone because yes, I need to have a link with my father in case of emergencies. But I also needed to have a phone for journalistic purposes, as the weekly promised me an in-depth cover story. Seeing how Spider Jerusalem, the hero reporter of these Transmetropolitan books has all sorts of neat gadgets, I need to find a phone that has a bowel disrupter.

Barring that, in case Verizon doesn�t have that model, be sure to rate my cock photos on MySpace.


Rating: Worth new!

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