Brian Michael Bendis, �Powers: Anarchy�
It�s probably a bit of a clich�, but there�s the notion that when one reads superhero comics, there�s a bit of wishful voyeurism happening. For the non-geek, it�s probably the same with movies and literature. We want to be the hero. We want the powers. We want to get the girl. I�d say that�s fairly normal.
Then again, in the early 80s, Marvel comics had a contest involving the X-Men, where you picked your own mutant and chose their mutant power. This was your chance to be a superhero, and even if you didn�t know squat about the comic, you had a chance to win if your imagination was good enough. Take Luvabeans, for instance. She doesn�t know crap about comic book culture, so when she talked to me on the phone after seeing the last X-Men movie, she described characters as �Throws Cars Around Guy� and �Looks Good In Leather Pants Woman.�
She probably would have won this contest.
I, on the other hand, did know about the comic subculture and had a chance to create a character that was missing from the pantheon of superhero characters. And what I came up with was a guy who could turn inorganic matter into condiments. Seeing how this would only be useful if your turkey sandwich was really dry, in addition to the shortsightedness of the judges, who had obviously never had a dry turkey sandwich, I didn�t win.
But it�s been nearly three decades since that submission, and I�ve had more time to think about what superhero power I wield, and how I use it to protect the city in which I live. I think I have it. See, at the time of the X-Men contest, I was eating a dry turkey sandwich. I was too focused on the present, not thinking about the future or how my experiences of the past have shaped me as a person. After all, it�s just as easy to grow up to be a villain if one isn�t careful or good looking. Fortunately, I�m good looking. And my secret power, which I�ve been honing all of these years, is now apparent.
I� am Sarcastic Man.
Not to say I�m the guy who always says, �yeah, that would be fun. That would lead me toward the villain path. But I�ve always been willing to call people on their shit, and I do so in a way that either renders them helpless with my wit or vanquishes them with my scathing observations. And it�s a pretty powerful supertrait. I�ve made grown men break down and cry. I�ve made women stop being manipulative evil wenches with a single line.
Of course, every superhero needs some form of kryptonite, and unfortunately, mine is simply when somebody realizes they�re being made the fool and decides to punch me in the mouth.
I was warned about this a long time ago. One of my friends who lived in the same metropolis area as I did recalled his first encounter with me, which I didn�t remember. Apparently, I was playing a video game at the neighborhood 7-11, whilst being fawned over by two girls (who I suspect were only there because I was remarkably good at getting alcohol). Anyway, he was hovering over the game as I played, which I took as either a non-verbal sign that he either A: wanted to play the game, or B: wanted to play with my women. Neither was going to happen anytime soon. So whilst playing and flirting, I made fun of the hovering guy. Later, when we became friends and he retold the story, he said the only reason he didn�t kick my ass right there was because he had just gotten in trouble for fighting. That was a lucky break for me, because he would have broken both my arms with almost no effort.
Of course, I didn�t learn from that brush with near arm-breaking and continued to be a sarcastic asshole. Sometimes I got things broken, and sometimes I didn�t. But I couldn�t stop, simply because it�s who I was, and yes, who I am, fucko.
Take what happened last week, for example. I worked Friday night at the paper, from 8 in the morning until 7 in the evening. I went straight from there to the bar, where I worked until 4 in the morning. Then, because the regular weekend bartender was on vacation, I returned five hours later, working until 6 in the evening. But during the mid-afternoon, I was called by the barback, who had injured himself, and was asking me to cover his shift. Which started at 9 pm that night. I took the shift. I got home at eight in the morning on Sunday. So essentially, I worked 41 out of 48 hours.
Of course, I should have gone home and gone right to sleep, right? Well, it didn�t happen. And somewhere between being totally exhausted and totally rich, I decided to buy myself something for my effort. I did a quick check on eBay, doing my standard check of Gits or MST3K material I might not have, along with things I need to replace like the NoMeansNo CDs that were stolen out of my car.
Nothing I wanted or needed was there. But whilst typing, I saw the stack of books I had finished reading, waiting to be documented on this site. And two of the books I had were from a graphic novel collection called The Walking Dead, which is basically a soap opera with zombies, in graphic novel form. The two books I had were parts 5 & 6 of the series, and I liked them enough to put the rest of the issues on my wish list from Amazon.
Anyhoo, so I�m home with eight hundred dollars in cash in my pocket, kinda buzzed from the pau hana drinks I had after getting off work and I decide that I should look to see if somebody is selling the first book in the series. And this being eBay, there are a lot of people selling it. But even though I have 800 dollars in my pocket, it hasn�t changed me from being a cheap bastard. The book costs $10 new. I figure I want to pay half of that, or at least have the opportunity to pay half of that. So I scroll through the listings.
Finally, I come across somebody who is selling it with a �But it Now� option. I�m figuring with shipping, I�m paying about $6 to $7 total. I click the buy button. Then, when I�m getting ready to pay for the book, I see the shipping costs.
Ten fucking dollars.
�Jesus,� I think to myself. �What a cheap fucking trick. Set the �Buy It Now� price really low and then screw you on the shipping.� But it�s my fault. I should have looked more carefully at the listing. I saw that they had lower rates for combining auctions, so I checked everything else they had for sale just to try and make it worth my while, but everything else they sold was shit.
I waited for them to send me an invoice, thinking they might say, �jeez, a 128 page graphic novel? We can�t charge $10 to ship that!� Like that was going to happen. When I got the invoice the next morning, I paid it, but I left a note under �special instructions� saying I thought their shipping rates were unreasonable, and planned on saying so when I left my neutral feedback. When I got the book, there was no acknowledgement of my note.
So I got the book. Quickly, and well packaged so as to not get it all bent up. Shipping price: $2.13.
I went to the feedback forum, clicked the Neutral option and typed, �My fault for not looking, but if you�re going to charge $10 for shipping a single book, I would expect it to be wrapped in either gold or hookers. This wasn�t wrapped in either.�
Of course, eBay only allows you 80 characters for feedback, so that was edited down to �$10 shipping for a book means it should be wrapped in gold or hookers. It wasn't�
I didn�t even have enough characters to put the period at the end, which really pained me.
I specifically put the comment under �neutral� so I wouldn�t negatively affect his rating. After all, it was my fault, and I never would have clicked the purchase button if I had noticed it. Since I had said as much under the special instructions, I didn�t think it would be an issue. But the next day, I had a message waiting for me from the seller.
�I do not find your comments amusing,� it read. �i will give you the chance to remove them before i leave negative feedback.� [sic].
Like the Incredible Hulk, my superpowers kicked in. I wrote him back.
I stand by my comment, which was neutral so as to not negatively affect your rating. I feel your shipping rates are exorbitant. It's my own fault for not looking before buying, hence why you got no argument from me and why I quickly paid (it bears noting that on the purchase order, under special instructions, I wrote this very comment and received no acknowledgment). eBay doesn't allow enough characters for proper explanation, otherwise I would have admitted my own culpability. Still, it doesn't change my feelings on the matter and so the neutral comment stays. As I said, I posted neutral to not affect negatively affect your rating. If you choose to post a negative comment simply because you done got your feelings hurt, well, I can't very well stop you now, can I? But I don't like being threatened, even if it is with something as benign as member feedback. In other words, sir, you can blow me. And with the price I paid for shipping, I feel I�m entitled.
The next day he responded to my message.
�consider yourself blown� [sic]
My feedback forum, at that time at 172 with a 100% positive feedback, suddenly had a negative response: �doesn't read auction and leaves snide comments,� [sic] it reads.
I sent him another message today: �I do not find your negative comments amusing,� it reads. �I will give you the chance to remove it before I post a link to your comment that will detail the entire sordid history of this transaction. And while I might come off as a sarcastic asshole, who do you think will come off as petty and vindictive?�
I�ll let you know about the response.
By the way, he�s lowered his shipping rates to $5 per book. Even if nothing happens, I still get to play the martyr card.
