Bill Walsh, �Lapsing into a Comma: A Curmudgeon�s Guide to the Many Things That Can Go Wrong in Print � and How to Avoid Them.�
The publisher of the paper brought me into her office three weeks ago to discuss my salary and the possibility of me taking a new position.
�Normally,� she began after we made the obligatory small talk, �when we hire somebody at this position, we start them off at $30,000. Would that work for you?�
�No,� I said simply.
I had been preparing for this moment. The publisher is notoriously cheap, which is why we haven�t been able to fill any of the other editor positions that have been vacant since September. But I also wasn�t in the mood for trying to barter for a salary like it was a cheap knick-knack at a flea market. I was originally thinking of saying I wanted $35,000, which would mean an $11,000 increase in my salary.
Yeah, I was making $24,000. Like I said, she�s notoriously cheap.
I knew she wouldn�t go for a number that high though, and that was where the bartering would have to begin. Knowing the amount of work that was involved and her history of burning bridges with writers and other members of staff, I wasn�t willing to sign on for anything less than $32,000. To me it seemed like a reasonable amount, and keeping it below the dreaded five figure increase that would probably put her off. An eight thousand dollar range sounds like a better deal to the one paying it than a ten thousand dollar increase. And with the work involved, $32,000 seemed fair. More fair than I was making at the moment, anyway.
But knowing how she was, I planned out what I was going to say if and when she said no, which was along the lines of, �Well, then I can either go back to my old position, or I can turn in my resignation now. The job at the bar already is enough for me to live on. In the meantime, I�m confident enough in my writing and my portfolio that I know I can write for any publication on this island.� I had this answer at the edge of my throat when she first offered the $30,000, but held off � no reason to start off being antagonistic.
She hadn�t said anything to my first answer, so I stated my case. �This is not an ordinary situation,� I explained. When I was first hired on, we had four editors. We haven�t had four editors in a long time. I have continually taken on additional duties since I began, and that has continued over the year as we�ve had fewer and fewer staff members.
�And during this entire time,� I continued, �I have neither asked for, nor received any compensation for my additional duties. Plus, by taking over this position, I�ll also be training my replacement at a time of crisis.�
�What would you think is fair?� she asked when she saw I was waiting for a reaction.
�Thirty-two.�
�Done.�
Fuck, I should have said thirty-five. I�ll say this, however. She said in a thinly-veiled comment that she didn�t have much choice, meaning that she knew I could take advantage of the situation. She just seemed to be relieved that I wasn�t attempting to be unreasonable.
So what�s the position? I�m the new Arts and Entertainment editor. That�s right, I�m the one who is supposed to have their finger on the pulse of the culture. The guy who likes pizza and hot dogs from CostCo is in charge of restaurant reviews. One of my favorite films of all time is Evil Dead 2 and now I�m in charge of what to recommend people spend $9.25 a ticket on. I wear 16-eye Doc Martins � in Hawaii � and now I�m in charge of fashion. And the person who thinks �Plastic Surgery Disasters� by Dead Kennedys is the greatest album ever released is in charge of music.
And yes, I�m in charge of book reviews as well.
I�m reminded of the line from my favorite movie:
May God forgive me for what I have unleashed upon this earth.
Mostly, however, I feel like I should be doing some sort of evil cackle right about now. I�ve been here for just over two years and four months, and I�m the fucking Arts and Entertainment editor. Two years ago, I was working at Hot Topic in the mall.
Still though, seeing all the mistakes than can be made in print through this book, I should probably go back and read it again. Either that or have Samantha copy edit all our pieces before they go to print.
