Carol Queen , "Exhibitionism for the Shy"
Back when my crazy ex-girlfriend was just my crazy girlfriend, she told me about this book. In fact, she had a copy, which she wanted me to take a look at. I opened it up, saw that she had written some things in the margins, and asked if I should be reading what she wrote. Instead of answering, she rushed up and snatched the book out of my hands.
So much for exhibitionism.
So she bought me my very own copy, but I didn�t feel like I needed it. She decided I didn�t need it either, after I arranged surprise role play meeting at a bar we didn�t normally go to, whereupon I handed her a note saying �You can look, but you can�t talk.�
I was wearing a jacket that I never wore before, slid on sunglasses, and sat in the far corner of the room. After a while, I slid next to her, still not looking at her or talking. I bought her a drink in silence. Eventually, my hand went to her leg and under her skirt as we sat there slowly drinking in a dark corner, as I gave her a handjob.
Finally I got up, slid her a movie ticket stub for the theater next door (for the movie Very Bad Things, which I picked solely for the title), and walked out without a word.
And that�s all I�m telling you. I ain�t Henry Miller, and this ain�t Tropic of Cancer.
Anyway, we split up, she split, and I still have the book. And I was right — I didn�t really need to read this. As it stands, 98 percent of the book is geared toward women. The few times where it does mention things for men it�s almost like an afterthought. Something like, �Oh, and men can do this too!�
But then again, now I know how you girls think!
Begin evil maniacal laughter here.
The silliest part comes at the end, where she lists an appendix of �hot� words to use to each other. There are the standard four letter words, but a lot of them are just silly. Worse, they aren�t even very creative. Under code words for �condoms� she offers these substitutions:
- capote anlaise
- french letter
- gummi
- goma
- guanto
- love glove
- raincoat
- rubber
- scum bag
- sheath
BORING! While in England, I had to write an article on National Condom Week, and I used over 30 terms for condoms. Would you rather say: Goma or wam bam dams? Capote anlaise or stuffer-stocking? And what about code names like Jimi Hindrance, Freudian slips, separate-us apparatus, the illustrious seed sack, or the conception rejection kit?
Sheesh. Some people have no imagination.
One thing though: If I do run into the crazy ex-girlfriend again, I�ll have no trouble with my exhibitionism. Because the first thing she�ll see is my ass.
