Tom Robbins, �Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates�
Ultimately, my responsibility is to talk about the book I�ve just read. Frequently I fail in that responsibility. So for the record, this book was good. This book is worth reading, though it is not on the lines of Jitterbug Perfume and Skinny Legs and All. It is a good book, and you won�t miss the time you spent in your life reading it, but there are much more important things to discuss, so if you�ll excuse me...
Last night I was watching School Progress: Got the application for Stanford. Ordered transcripts from De Anza. The Tonight Show, for what must have been the first time in eight years, waiting with bated breath to see if Arnold would run or not (although it was obvious to me that he would).
As you all know, he decided he was in. As I watched the interview I became more and more disgusted, watching Leno fawn over his guest while failing to ask him anything of substance. Arnold himself said nothing but soundbites. �The people of California are mad as hell and they aren�t going to take it any more,� he said.
Great, we all saw Network as well, but what the hell are you going to do about it? Why would we think that you, a muscle-bound freak that didn�t have the sense enough to stay away from projects like The 6th Day, The Last Action Hero, and Red Sonja would have the sense to lead California?
Leno didn�t ask that question. And so, I think I must ask it. Therefore, I am officially announcing my candidacy for Governor of California. I can ask these so-called �tough� questions.
What experience do I have? None whatsoever. Just like Arnold. But I take the opposite view. Where Arnold says he won�t be corrupted by special interests, as he has plenty of his own money, I think this shows his culpability. He has money. He wants to keep his money. I�ve never had money and thus it would be easy to tell if my influence was being corrupted, and you could vote me out in another recall.
But what most of these candidates running don�t have, but Arnold does, is an understanding of how the media works. Why does Arnold get a huge 30-point front page headline in the local paper announcing his candidacy, while Gary Coleman is relegated to page 21? Where are the editorials weighing the chances of Larry Flynt? Or Jack Grisham from T.S.O.L.? Or Gallagher? (Yes, THAT Gallagher from the brief watermelon smashing crushing craze of the early 80s � he�s running for governor as well.)
The reason you aren�t hearing about these people is because they simply aren�t media savvy. I, however, AM media savvy. In fact, I�m media savvy like a motherfucker.
The sad fact of the matter is I�m short of funds. I�m so short of funds that my candidacy cannot be taken seriously unless we raise the $3,500 needed for the filing fee by tomorrow. (We could get around this by gathering 10,000 signatures, but we�re on a tight schedule here.) So I am calling for a fundraising circuit at this point in time. Anybody who is serious about changing the mess that we voted in not that long ago can pledge your money to me through Paypal, and if we don�t reach our goal of the $3,500 filing fee, I will refund your money.
But if we do reach the goal, and I am put on the ballot, I can promise you that every effort will made for me to be featured in the paper every single day. Of course, as I am not affiliated with any party, this may involve everything from public nudity to taking swings at police officers, but you expected that anyway, didn�t you?
The time is short on the fundraising scheme, and thus I apologize for the lack of content in my promises, but at least I haven�t made promises that I�ll break later, right?
You can do worse. Vote Dean. California can�t get any more stupid.
