The Onion Staff, �The Onion�s Finest News Reporting�
My court case finally came about for my egregious left-hand turn at 8:57 in the morning in an area that didn�t allow left turns until 9 a.m.
This will make the third time in my life that I�ve had to appear in court as a defendant, and they�ve all been for really stupid reasons. The first time was for skateboarding downtown, which I was, but the only reason I got popped was because I was standing on the board waiting for a key to get made. The second time was for spitting on a cop car.
So maybe my reasons for going to court aren�t that dumb after all; everybody should spit on cop cars.
I planned to utilize the same strategy I used when I went to court over the skateboarding incident. Basically, I plead No Contest, but ask for a moment to make an explanation. I then detail how technically, what I was cited for was not what I was doing. The judge then suggests that I plead not guilty and go to trial. I respond that I understand, but I don�t want to waste my time or the court�s time with such a frivolous matter. The judge, thankful that he or she can get through the case quickly, agrees with me, and drops all charges. Case dismissed.
Easy.
Of course, the other part of this works on appearance. I hate to say it, but people judge others by their appearance, and me showing up in a shirt my sister gave me which reads �Do I look like a fucking people person?� will probably not get me any favors. I don�t want traffic school. I don�t even want to pay a fine. This calls for drastic circumstances.
This calls for... The Tie.
I loathe ties. I think they look ridiculous. They�re uncomfortable, they always get in the way, and they always remind me of a noose. But they are powerful in getting me out of lame citations issued by police. But it�s like the story of the Monkey�s Paw. You get your wish, only to have it twist in some way to bring about something terribly wrong. I figured the paw theory was already working because, well, I�m WEARING A FUCKING TIE!!!!
So I�m waiting in court and survey the surrounding crowd, waiting for their cases to be called. This court is located in the outskirts in downtown and so everybody is dressed like they would if they lived downtown.
On the street, that is.
I don�t know when the idea of dressing to respect the court went out of fashion, and I�m rather glad it did, but I figured this would work in my favor. Courtrooms are notorious for hanging onto long passed and dated modes of operation. The fact that I still remember this pseudo-courtesy, I think, should work in my favor.
The first case is called. Driving on a suspended license without insurance, and excessive speed. The judge asks if she has purchased insurance yet.
�Naw,� says the cracker in the filthy sweatshirt.
�Have you applied for you license yet?� the judge asks.
�Naw. Can�t giddit �cuz I ain�t got no insurance.�
�Okay well, I�m going to drop the speeding charge on the condition that you get insurance and your license within six months.�
Next case: Another suspended license/no insurance combo, plus a previous failure to appear. The conversation is very close to the first one.
�This is your third violation for driving without a license or insurance,� the judge says. �Why haven�t you purchased insurance?�
�Cain�t afford none, specially with all these tickets. Haven�t found no work in six months as well.�
�Well, I�m going to insist you not drive until you purchase insurance, but I�ll drop the failure to appear charge, and you�ll report back in six months to show proof of insurance.�
The guy walks off, pulling his car keys out of his pocket as we walked away.
This... is going to be easy.
I watch 20 other people file past the clerk, all with pretty serious violations. Some had small fines to pay, but the judge let them makes tiny payments, things like ten dollars a month for three years. Nobody was required to go to traffic school, even when that was an option. It wasn�t that they were taking the point on the record, she just dropped the charges.
And then it�s my turn. I follow the plan, explaining the no-turn rule on Virginia until 9 a.m. I showed her the time noted on the ticket, and even explained that I was listening to NPR, which had already begun the 9 o�clock portion of �All Things Considered,� which to me, says it�s 9 a.m.
�So it sounds like you should plead not guilty,� the judge says.
I love it when a plan comes together.
�I realize that your honor, but I don�t want to...�
�You could take the point on your record if you didn�t want school.
�I just didn�t want to...�
�You just don�t want to come back again, right?�
�Exactly.�
�School it is then. There will be a fine of 80 dollars for the infraction, which you can pay in the side office before you register for school.�
She bangs her gavel and calls the next case, which I hear, as I gather my paperwork, is for a guy with two failure to appears, and three failure to pay previous fines issued. I bet he got off. I walk out, furious.
Putting my backpack on as I exit the courthouse, the strap gets caught in my tie. I pull it free as I pass the guy with the filthy �Big Johnson� t-shirt that went out of fashion 15 years ago, and with all the holes in this one, it probably was 15 years ago when he got it.
And then I realize the Monkey�s Paw curse. I probably looked like the only guy who could afford to pay the fines and traffic school fees.
But the curse isn�t finished yet, as I�m STILL WEARING THE FUCKING TIE!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Oh dammit, the book! Uh...It�s the Onion, of course it�s good. And the Onion is getting both more presentable and readable in terms of layout, while being fiendishly clever at the same time.
See, The last book I finished featured individual issues that would run for four pages. This merely blows up one story to fill an entire page, meaning that the issues they�ve put out over the last five years can now be spread over the case of over 300 collections.
So, as for the rating...
