Kiyoshi Nakayama, (editor), �Uncollected Stories of John Steinbeck�
Uncollected except for the fact that they are presented here in collected form. People are weird.
Actually, this book was weird, and weird things happened all around it. First, this is a tiny little book apparently made for Japanese students, as it has definitions at the back of the book for down-home folksy phrasings and words, in Japanese, with the most detail being laid out for the phrase, �a Jap farmer.�
Since I can�t read Japanese, I assume it translates as �Steinbeck, decorated Nobel Laureate, was a racist bigot cracker. We will remember this phrase when we begin our next mission, as we will conduct a bombing campaign that will make Pearl Harbor look like a panty raid. Glory to our ancestors on our day of victory, to be carried out as soon as the world buys the last of our televisions and DVD players and Playstations.�
That�s not really the weird part, but this collection of early writings was weird enough, with most of the stories dealing with how children are evil, something I already knew.
No, the weird part came about that I was reading this on the deck of a yacht on Pier 39, sitting in a deck chair and drinking Newcastle, with my emblazoned upside-down flag shirt for all the tourists on shore to see while a hot chick made me pancakes. And I�ve now realized something that should have been very obvious to me — I need a boat.
I need a boat right now.
I�ve even thought about setting up eBay auctions, but I don�t really have anything of interest to most people. So the auction would have the heading of �I WILL GO AWAY� with the stipulations that I would only go ashore to reload on books, booze and food, in that order. And since I buy the latter two items at CostCo and have quite enough books, thank you, I won�t need to be ashore much.
Winning bidders would receive a badge, and if you happened to be wearing this in the general vicinity while I�m around, I will leave. (Stipulation — this does not count when I�m on my boat.)
After looking at all the other boats in the water, the first thing I�ll need for this future boat is a good name. When you see a boat named �Boatacious,� you know all the wrong people have the good things in life. We�re going to name our boat �Child Catcher� and adorn the sides with dozens of lobster traps.
Stay tuned for when we launch the auction site, but you can always send me money in the meantime.
