J.R.R. Tolkien, �The Return of the King�
Not that long ago I was talking about Nobody�s Fool, both the book and the movie. The review was getting a little long, so I didn�t talk about the differences between the two. I don�t want to get into that right now, and besides, the stock answer is that the book is always better than the movie, right?
Wrong. Nobody�s Fool, the book, was better than the film but the film was damn good on its own. But now I�ve finished Tolkien�s entire trilogy and while I haven�t seen Return of the King in theaters yet (it just came out today as I write this, and I�m not THAT much of a dork), I already know the film is going to be better.
In fact, all the films for this series have been better than the books. Tolkien�s trilogy is long winded and disjointed, and while Return of the King doesn�t have as many songs as Two Towers, it has way too much unnecessary material. In fact, besides the fact that I really like the movies, I�m more interested at this point to see how Peter Jackson makes the final film entertaining.
In fact, I wonder how Jackson is going to get three-plus hours from this material, even ignoring the fact that in the book, Gollum takes his revenge in the second installment. This final installment wraps up quickly, though it takes its fucking time to get there with unneeded pontification by all the characters. And then there is the return to the Shire, whereupon the hobbits find their land overrun by a despot and after being left out of all the fighting for the big showdown, they get to stage their own little revolution.
The sad thing is, however, that these scenes only reminded me of ewoks from Return of the Jedi, complete with homemade weapons made from trees and roots. If this is in the film, I fully expect the credits to roll over the hobbits feasting and singing that �jub-jub� song that was in Star Wars.
If you�re in the theater at the same time as I am, I�ll be the one doing the primal scream.
The worst comes after page 311, however, where the book should be finished, and indeed is. Tolkien apparently thought it necessary to provide 120 pages of family genealogy for the characters, along with the root words for the translation of the elvish language. In addition, there are pages upon pages of writings of what happened to the main characters after the War of Mordor was concluded, which makes me think the film is going to end like Animal House, complete with subtitles.
- Frodo Baggins: got sick again.
- Aragon: Married Arwen, 1739 (divorced 1821).
- Theoden: Killed in Minas Tirith by his own troops.
- D-Day: Whereabouts Unknown
Some people freak out when I give a noncommittal �meh,� when they ask what I thought of the books. They think I need to slow down and ponder what I read rather than plow through them. But recently we got an unabridged book on CD version of The Two Towers. I borrowed it and have played it in my car while running errands.
My Christ, thank god they deviated from the book to make these films! If they had followed the book the way it was originally written, we would have a fucking musical! Not to mention that this book drones on and on.
�Well,� says Legolas, �Which way would you have us follow?�
�I am unsure, for I have a heavy heart,� Aragon answers. �Which way thinks you, Gimli?�
�I know not, for my heart is heavy as well. But I will follow whichever path you wish to take.�
�Yet I know not which way to take, perhaps because of this heavy heart that we both share. Legolas?�
�Yes, Aragon?�
�Is thy heart heavy?�
�Yes, Aragon.�
�Do you have an idea of which way we should turn?�
�No, Aragon.�
�Because of a heavy heart?�
�Yes, Aragon. Or perhaps no. I cannot tell, possibly because of this heavy heart thing.�
�Should we try left, then?�
�Sure. But I will do so with a heavy heart.�
�Me too.�
�Yes, and me as well.�
�Shouldn�t we sing a song first?� Gimli says after a moment to reflect his sorrow.
�Sure. But I sing my song with a heavy...�
�Yeah, yeah, yeah. Heavy heart. We know. Ready? On three. And a-one, and a-two...�
Tolkien purists can eat a bag of dicks. I don�t see people causing such uproar over the differences between the book and the film of One Flew over the Cuckoo�s Nest.
So look, one last time, The books in this series are okay. OKAY. They are not great works of art, they are not the bible, and they do not warrant the entire furor over whether or not Jackson is true to the spirit of the novels. I will allow, however, comparisons to Saddam Hussein and a Hobbit and how they both lived in a hole, in the ground.
For a little while anyway.
Final note: I did get to see the film two days ago, and the scene with the hobbits/ewoks was cut. I was, however, pretty close about the second part.
