The Monkey King's Used Primate Emporium and Book Reviews

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Jim Thompson, �The Criminal�

Started March 2 � Finished March 3, 2004; 120 pages. Posted 06 April 2004

[Ed. note: This is part six of an experiment to see if drinking while writing will make me more charming, funnier, and the best dancer in the world. The experiment begins here.]

Finally! I�m reviewing books that I read in March!

Too bad it�s April!

Speaking of April, since today is April 6, I think I ought to mention that you have 11 days to buy me a present, as it�s my birthday on the 17th (Two days after tax day, three days before Hitler. That�s how I like to think about it.)

If you haven�t thought about what to buy me (and I know you�ve been thinking), I�d like to make a suggestion — buy my book.

See, not only will you give me money so I can buy things I actually want, but you�ll clear some of the books I have stacked in the hallway. As I live in a house that�s over 100 years old, the relief of not having my floor collapse will be a great present indeed. So why not shoot for an appearance of literacy, at least until somebody actually opens it up and sees what a load of crap it really is. All for only seven bucks!

I shouldn�t really talk shit about my own book — hell, I even got an actual fan letter the other day. Well, I don�t know if it qualifies as a fan letter — first of all, it was through e-mail. But it was from somebody who I didn�t know, and he came from Milwaukee, where I�ve never been.

He wrote to say he liked the book, and said it inspired him.

It inspired him to drink.

This is not the first time I�ve heard this. At the reading, Craig�s sister told me about how her husband was reading my book and put it down in the middle only to go to the store, buy a six pack of Newcastle, and come back to finish the rest of the book while enjoying Newcastle.

By the way, I should note that Newcastle is what I�m drinking now — I really like Newcastle, and would love a corporate sponsorship. Thank you.

I loved that comment. My book inspired people! I always said that�s what I wanted to do with my journalistic writing, but so far, I haven�t got anywhere with that. But my book inspired somebody to go buy beer! Fucking brilliant! If that�s all there was too it, I would have thought it was a fluke, but soon after, another person told me they finished it somewhere around 3 in the afternoon, and immediately went to the Caravan to down a couple.

I do not know if he bought Newcastle.

And then I got this e-mail. For some reason, this guy was reading the book at ten in the morning and lived in a place where the bars don�t open until noon. But when noon came about, he went and spent the entire day drinking! I think I�m that much closer to that sponsorship!

The thing is, all these people who decided to go drink didn�t do it out of being sad, or lonely, or bored, but because they remember what can be so much fun about drinking in the first place. And that�s what they did — they went and had fun!

The funny thing was, all these stories occurred at different times, but instead of saying, yeah, let�s go to the bar tonight, they decided to go right then. Hell, one guy decided to get beer and continue reading! That�s the highest complement I think anybody can get!

So come on, you know you want to remember why beer is good food, don�t you? In fact, I think I�ll have another right now.

Man, that�s good stuff.

But of course, you�ll have to wait for my book to come in the mail, though if you ordered today, you should have it in the mail by the weekend. In the meantime, if you must, it wouldn�t kill your buzz to read this book by Jim Thompson. There�s very little mention of alcohol in this book, but it�s not so complicated that you can�t follow the story line, even after a having a couple.


Rating: Worth working in a used bookstore and getting for cheap.

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