The Monkey King's Used Primate Emporium and Book Reviews

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Douglas Adams and Mark Carwardine, �Last Chance to See�

Started February 27 � Finished March 1, 2004; 223 pages. Posted 06 April 2004

[Ed. note: This is part three of an experiment to see if drinking while writing will make me more charming, funnier, and the best dancer in the world. The experiment begins here.]

Okay, now this book, I remember! No, it�s not just because it was more recent than the other reviews.

Jerk.

I remember this because it was actually pretty damn good, and it�s been a while since that happened. Of course, that really shouldn�t be much of a surprise � Douglas Adams is at his best when he is either writing about humans being silly, or animals being clever. Or silly. Or both.

Still, even with the book being by Douglas Adams, and covering the two areas where he�s at his strongest, this book had a lot of strikes against it. I actually passed up this book several times before finally giving in, and I think I only capitulated because he had recently died.

See, the book looks and is described like one of those hand-wringing hippie pamphlets about how the Durango mosquito is close to extinction because there are only 480,000,000 left in the world. The cover art doesn�t help, decked out in lush green flora and fauna with impossibly cute drawings of creatures meekly peeking around the borders and through the plants with big cow eyes, which look weird and creepy.

Especially since they drew them on a lizard.

I don�t particularly care if there are only 480,000,000 Durango mosquitoes left in the world, particularly since they all seem to be in Kawa�i and descend directly on me whenever I visit. In fact, I�ve never been much on animals that I couldn�t either stick on my shoulder or grasp underneath the front arms and drag them across the carpet on their back. But that changed recently when I went to Happy Hollow Zoo in San Jose.

I�ve been to lots of zoos before, and I don�t really remember anything about them. The only real memory I have of a zoo visit surprisingly doesn�t have anything to do with monkeys masturbating or throwing shit at the crowd, which seems to be every other person�s experience. All I remember is going to the zoo in Honolulu and spending my time climbing some enormous fucking tree all day long.

So I guess I shouldn�t be surprised that despite living in San Jose for nearly 20 years, I had never been to Happy Hollow.

When I finally went, I remembered why I didn�t like zoos in the first place. First of all, it�s like going to animal prison, instead of having bored convicts asking if you have any smokes, it�s donkeys and goats asking if you have any food. But other than that, it�s a matter of the sheer boredom that most of the animals seem to be facing on a day in, day out basis. �Come one, come all! See the astounding Capybaras who will... well... sit there... looking like big fucking rats...�

And that�s the first exhibit you see. This is not the way to convince people that more exciting and interesting things lay ahead.

But to my surprise, there was better stuff. This was probably only because we showed upright around feeding time, but soon after came the meerkats, who looked more nervous and spastic than our former bass player for PTL, balancing themselves on their hind legs using their tails for balance as they tried to figure out what the hell was going on at every single vantage point at the same time.

And then we hit the lemur cage. We passed by once before, only to see them all sleeping, but when the girlfriend and I doubled back, they were leaping all over the place. This was the only place where any of the animals seemed to have a fair amount of room to move about, and they utilized it all � leaping from tree to synthesized tree, climbing the mesh wire in the cage, and having lemur battles with one another, which has to be seen to be appreciated.

One feisty lemur would run up the highest ranch and leap off with both arms raised, looking exactly like Daredevil, except for the fact that it was covered in black and white fur and had a tail.

Some of the more hippie people (and Fern, I�m looking toward you at this point) would say this was a sign of boredom, but I don�t buy it. They looked like they were having a blast. Actually, they acted like I do when I�m hyper, and even pulled one of my patented moves, where I�ll walk up to the person who doesn�t look like they�re having any fun, and whack them upside the head.

But the absolute best was when the zookeeper came in to refill the water and feed trays. My favorite lemur, the one who jumped on its hind legs and charged at other lemurs with one hand raised, got a bit of distance and leaped onto her shoulders, then launched off to grab a high platform. I�ve done the exact same thing at Fishbone shows. And the zookeeper looked pissed.

But all of that doesn�t have anything to do with this book. Adams goes to various parts of the country to get a look at different endangered species, including komodo dragons, silverback gorillas, and Yangtze dolphins. This is a good gig, if you can get it. Go to exotic locales, tramp around, see a creature and then go home and write about it so that other people might feel bad and donate money toward its cause.

Apparently it�s needed, as they included a letter from a couple who heard the original BBC broadcasts of the trip and wrote to apologize, as they had just returned from China and had experience with the Yangtze dolphin. Their letter read as follows:

Dear Douglas and Mark,

We enjoyed the Yangtze dolphin programme � but listened with a touch of guilt! We recently spent three months working in a number of factories in Nanjing. We had a wonderful time with the people and ate well. To honour us when we left, one of them cooked a Yangtzee dolphin, so really there should be 201 [left]. Sorry about that.

P.S. Sorry it was two dolphins � my husband reminds me that he was guest of honour and had the embryo.

---

I�m sorry, I still giggle when I read that. And I like dolphins.

So I�m not joining PETA anytime soon because of this book. But I did like the book and I do like animals as well.

I like them so much that I�m going out for steaks tonight, if I don�t die of alcohol poisoning first.


Rating: Worth new!

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