The Monkey King's Used Primate Emporium and Book Reviews

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Alisa Kwitney, �The Sandman: King of Dreams�

Started April 18 � Finished April 19, 2004;180 pages. Posted 07 May 2004

It�s been a long time since I brought up my crazy ex-girlfriend. Actually, it hasn�t — I mentioned her as recently as March. But that was a small mention.

Other times I�ve brought her up usually revolve around the fact that despite the numerous times I told her I don�t want to talk to her, and even had the best dream ever, involving a clown hammer which sealed all arguments as to whether or not to ever speak with her again.

For the most part, when I specifically told her to fuck off, she�d keep her distance for a year or so, and then send another e-mail. �Are you still mad?�

Well, jeez, I was angry at feeling like such a chump and manipulated and used, but now that we�ve had absolutely no contact or resolution, it all just seems silly! Here, while you�re at it, here�s my wallet and all my credit cards! It sure is great to hear from you, and I just can�t help but admire your persistence!

Fucking hell! What the hell is it that makes her keep trying? Was sex with me that good? Of course it was, but come on! She�s got a vibrator — hell, I know for a fact that she has three of them!

When I first found out that Mia Zapata�s killer was captured, she contacted me yet again, saying she figured I�d want to know.

Call me cynical (oh please, call me cynical!), but it felt like she was using something close to me in order to try and jump-start a conversation between us. For once, I didn�t answer her e-mail with scathing admonishing, and just let it drift off into the ether(net). And that was the last time I heard from her.

Until right fucking now, that is. Friendster can also be called Stalkster as far as I�m fucking concerned.

And it just fucking figures that the goddamn book I have to review is a collection/retrospective of The Sandman, which, of course, was something I was introduced to by this crazy broad.

Well, at least she was good for something. Too bad this book isn�t.

And of course, I should have just deleted this new message from her on Friendster. Instead, I gave her a testimonial:

There is an old fable about a little dog walking across a bridge carrying a bone in its mouth. As he crosses the bridge he looks over the edge and sees his reflection. The dog thinks it�s another dog, and that dog has a bone it its mouth. The dog decides he wants both bones, so he barks at the little dog in the water, trying to scare it. The bone drops out of its mouth, and he loses both bones.

I would say that sums up Kim pretty nicely.

Not that I�d want to, but if I had the chance to say two words to her, the second one would be �off.�

Just in case your skull is as thick as hers, the first word would be �Fuck.�

And in case she�s tracked me down to this site, I�ll address her directly: Keee-rist, Kim, how much clearer can I make it? Into the muck, scumqueen!


Rating: Fanboy item only, so it doesn�t matter what I say.

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