Alan Moore, �The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Volume II�
I know, I know, everybody is sick of elections, myself included. But what I�m about to talk about is a different election, and one that is much more important.
See, The Blank Club had a costume contest for Halloween with two prizes of two hundred dollars each. One prize was for Sexiest Costume, the other was for Most Creative/Original Costume.
Guess which one I planned on winning.
Guess again.
OK, yes, I was going for Most Creative.
And I did plan on winning. Check this out.
People always ask why I don�t show my teeth when I smile. Now you know.
So I cut out from my friend�s party early, without seeing any of the bands play. I needed this money. After all, I was almost out of cigarettes. In fact, I�m so poor right now, I had to borrow money from work just so I could pay the $7.00 entrance fee. And beers there aren�t cheap either. I got there just after 11 p.m. and scoped out the competition.
This is going to be easy.
Of course, this isn�t the easiest costume to get around in. Imagine trying to piss while wearing this as well. I got a beer and hung out near the side, trying to stay out of people�s way.
After about an hour, they started the Sexiest Costume contest. Man, I love Halloween. I love high boots, I love garters, and I love skirts. And there�s a lot of all of these walking around.
The contest was very close, with voting being repeated several times, in four rounds of elimination. Finally, it came down to Bettie Page and Snow White. Personally, I thought Snow White was hotter, but Bettie ultimately ended up winning. I can understand this � there�s something about the name �Snow White� which automatically makes it less sexy than Bettie Page.
And then the second round of voting started. I get on the stage and once again check out who I�m up against. There�s a unicorn. Two guys are dressed as Burt Reynolds and Dom Delouise from Cannonball Run. A devil. A guy dressed as Paris Hilton, complete with a live Chihuahua. One guy has an egg costume and he�s wearing devil horns.
Get it? Yeah, most people didn�t. One guy who had a skeleton costume started up the stage, looked at me, and turned around. He knew he didn�t stand a chance.
The master of ceremonies goes to the Cannonball Run guys first. He pulls them out of the line and looks them over.
�What the hell are you supposed to be, anyway?� he says.
The two guys start trying to explain. There is tepid applause. They step back, looking rather embarrassed. The egg is next. He gets slightly more applause. Then he pulls me out of the line, saying, �Mystery Science Theater 3000!�
And the place fucking explodes.
Oh, I got this motherfucker.
Next up is a guy dressed as The Punisher. He gets a fair amount of applause, but he knows he�s the one that�s about to be killed. Next up is Colonel Sanders, who is helpful enough to be carrying a bucket of chicken, just in case you weren�t sure who he was.
And the place explodes again.
What the fuck?
In fact, his response is even louder than mine. He doesn�t even really look like Colonel Sanders. He�s too short, the hair and the beard aren�t really right, his facial features don�t match, and if it weren�t for the prop that he�s carrying around, you wouldn�t know who or what he was supposed to be.
But it�s obvious that he has friends here, and after all, what is the voting process than a popularity contest?
I came here by myself.
The contest had been going on far too long, as the master of ceremonies obviously enjoyed having all those girls writhe around on stage. People are bored and antsy. The final round is between the Unicorn, the KFC guy, and myself. The unicorn goes first. She has friends here as well, and they try show support for her, but it�s obvious that people are saving their energy.
They call me up again. I turn around so you can see the theater seats that line the back. People are screaming themselves hoarse, and it�s even louder this time. Then it�s the Chicken Spokesman�s turn. The sound level is the same, but the noise level lasts even longer. I think I�m actually going to lose this contest.
Snow White, Wendy O. Williams, and some female convicts run up to the front and starting protesting the results. I can hear them from the stage.
�C�mon!� one of the convicts shouts, �You can�t say that Colonel Sanders is more original than that! Little Red Riding Hood and some guy with a giant bear head start chanting �RECOUNT! RECOUNT! RECOUNT!�
The host huddles with the judges. Finally, he stands up and addresses the crowd. �OK,� he says, �we�re gonna do this one more time!� He put his hand over Crow�s head. People are shrieking and stamping their feet. Back to the Chicken Man, and the sound level seems about even. But again, the response for the Colonel seems to last longer.
A lot longer.
I�ve lost.
Even worse, I've lost to a chicken huckster.
The host again confers again with the judges. Finally he stands up and addresses the crowd.
�Well,� he says I might have to go change my costume to look like Katherine Harris, but the winner is...
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000!�
So you see folks, not every election ends being a travesty. Hang in there.
Oh, the book? Uh... Well, it�s a continuation of Part One, which I reviewed in April.
