The Monkey King's Used Primate Emporium and Book Reviews

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John Maher and Judy Groves, �Introducing Chomsky�

Started December 31 � Finished December 31, 2004; 176 pages. Posted 30 January 2005

One thing that�s fortunate about being so far behind on reviews, I can now talk about this book � and New Years Eve � without everybody rolling their eyes and groaning, �Oh no, here�s yet another post about how terrible/wonderful their night was.�

Mine was terrible, by the way. Thanks for asking.

How terrible? Look at the top where it says when I started and finished this book. That�s right, I was reading a Chomsky book before the ball dropped.

It didn�t start out so terrible. I was at work, and I was fielding calls about when we would close for the evening. I was non-committal.

�If there are people here,� I�d tell them, �We�ll be open until seven. If not, I�m leaving at five.�

Five o�clock rolled around and there was still a fair amount of people in the store. I modified my answer to say if there wasn�t anybody inside at six, we�d close then. I spent ten minutes on the phone trying to explain the logistics of this business plan to a caller. He showed up at six, and at that point there were three people lurking around.

I decided to stay open until normal closing time. Of course, these three people ended up not buying anything, and they stayed until past seven before I could finally round them up and kick them out. They came in independently, so I figured they were like me � they had nothing to do, and nowhere to do it at.

In the meantime, I tried making calls to other people in the area to keep a pulse on something � anything � to do that night. Nobody had any ideas.

At seven thirty, I got into my car and headed to the local supermarket. I knew that Newcastle was on sale for an insanely low price of ten bucks for a twelve pack. I decided I was going to stock up. I�d also buy a good steak. My plan was to have my first meal of the day to be a good one, and wash it down with good beer, before going out to the local bars, and if I got lucky, something would materialize.

Though I knew I�m not really the lucky type.

That became obvious at the supermarket. Now nearly eight o�clock, the beer isle was decimated. The biggest gaping hole was where the Newcastle once nestled. I wandered the aisles looking for a display, hoping for an unseen stockpile. I came across one, but it was for Corona. I was about to give up and try my luck at a different Safeway, when I came across one twelve pack abandoned on a shelf designated for chips and salsa. I scooped it up.

I was almost ready to leave, when I decided to ask if they were truly out of Newcastle. The bagboy, a tall skinny kid of undeterminable origin and accent tried to makes sense of what I wanted. I finally held up my own lone twelve pack. A checker saw me and told him to check in the back. I followed.

�You want one more?� He asked me, confused on why I would pass up the stacks of Corona. I thought about it for a minute.

�No,� I said finally. �I want three.�

Nearly ten minutes passed with me staring at the double swinging doors awaiting his return, though I knew he would come back empty handed. Imagine my surprise, then, when he burst through, awkwardly balancing three twelve packs in his arms.

�You,� I said as he loaded up my cart, �are my favorite person in the world right now, and if I see you at midnight, I�m going to kiss you.�

He backed away from me slowly, chuckling nervously.

I started cooking, and decided to start reading the Love and Rockets collection that was in my bag. I looked around the apartment, then realized I must have left it in the car.

Of course, it wasn�t there either. Somebody had already stolen it, and were presumably thinking of all the people they could write checks to on my account. I went back upstairs to my beer.

I did get a call and an offer to see The Fleshies in Oakland. I should have gone, but I had already started cooking, and my friend was leaving that very second. He also wasn�t planning on coming back that evening.

Of course, that really didn�t matter, as I would�ve had a place to sleep. But I have to be honest � I was hoping The Ex would call.

After finishing the steak, this book, and five beers, it was 11:15 and I finally accepted that she wouldn�t. I walked down to the dive bar down the street.

Despite the fact that most people I had talked with during the evening said they would most likely end up there, as there wasn�t fuckall else to do, I walked into the dimly lit bar and didn�t see a single person I knew by name. My roommates showed up at 11:40, and we walked down the block to the dance club. I didn�t know anybody there either.

I was in the bathroom when they did the countdown. I didn't see the bagboy.

I don�t do resolutions, usually. Most years, I simply answer that I planned to be the exact same way as I am now, as I�d like to think that I�m actually a pretty good person. But, walking back to my house, alone again, I decided that I should think about the future.

Since resolutions are usually contrite affirmations, I figured I would take mine from song lyrics. Some of these include:

Happy New Year? We�ll see.


Rating: Worth working in a used bookstore and getting for cheap.

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