Peter Bagge, �The Bradleys�
I bank with a large corporation based in the West Coast. I�ve been with them since 1989. It�s not that I�m satisfied with their services. In fact, I�ve had more than one phone call with them that ended with me stating that I was coming over with a gun. But I�ve stayed with them for this long for a couple of reasons.
The primary reason is that they are so huge that I can access my account from pretty much anywhere in California, and I know where most of their outlets are. The second reason is that I have a credit card account with them as well, and since I went to England, this bank is what I have the highest debt to.
They�ve pissed me off more times than I can count, and yet I�m still with them. The only thing they seem to have any competency for is fucking up. So when some fucktard got hold of some checks of mine and started cashing them all over town, I was actually surprised when the fraud department contacted me.
When they did contact me, however, they were still too late, as my account had been emptied. In fact, what tipped them off that something was wrong was when I tried to withdraw money, found out my account was barren, and canceled the transaction. I think they contacted me more because they wanted to know why I wasn�t willing to sink myself further into debt.
But the woman from the fraud department was helpful, and within two hours had verified that I was indeed the victim, and worked to get my money refunded. Three hours later, she called back to say that she had verified the fraud, and that I should have access to my funds by the next day.
Two days later, I got a letter from the bank, saying that although my funds had been returned, I would have to fill out six pages of claim forms or they would take it all back. I called the number they provided.
�Let me explain the situation,� I said when I finally got a live person on the phone. �I think you guys are reacting to the call I made about the phony checks being cashed. But the fraud department contacted me less than a hour later, totally unrelated � they didn�t even know I had called � and she said it was all taken care of. I think what we have is a case of your departments not talking to each other.�
�I wouldn�t know anything about that,� the voice on the other line said, �so you should fill out the forms and bring them to one of our branches.�
Three weeks later, the woman assigned to my case called up, very confused, saying the matter had already been settled.
�I know,� I said. �That�s what I�ve been telling you for three weeks. But since I have you on the phone, I just got the new ATM card, since you made me get a new one even though my card was never stolen. My problem is this � you sent me two cards, and each have different numbers. Which card am I supposed to activate?�
�I�m afraid I don�t know anything about that,� she said. �You�ll have to go into a branch.�
Back again at the bank, I explained the situation. The guy behind the desk didn�t know what was going on either. He was especially confused because the two cards had different credit limits on them, which was odd, seeing as they were both for a checking account, and my limit should be whatever I have in my account. After doing an eenie-meenie-miney-moe, he canceled one card and had me enter a PIN on the other, saying I was ready to go.
When I went out on Fat Tuesday, I tried to get money out of my account. The cheap ATM in the dive bar spat my card back out to me. I didn�t worry too much � I had enough money, enough friends, and more important, enough friends who were bartenders to make it through the night.
But I also work during the times that banks are open, so I went a week and a half without access to my funds. Finally, on Valentine�s Day, I went to get cash. This time I went to a branch, and the ATM spat my card out at me again. I called the 800 number.
�Oh,� the guy on the other line said, �it says the account was cancelled at customer�s request.�
�Oh, goddamn it,� I yelled, explaining the situation. He said that he couldn�t do anything, telling me to visit with a branch representative in person. And of course, all the banks were closed.
In the meantime, I got a letter saying they didn�t have a signature on file for me, complete with a package of forms for me to fill out. I got to the bank today.
�Okay, seeing as I�ve been with this bank for fifteen years,� I said to the banker, �I would think you do have a signature.
He had helped me before, printing up the copies of the fraudulent checks, so he knew my situation. I make an impression. After typing through a couple of security screens, he looked perplexed.
�What?� I said.
�Well, I don�t know why they want a signature match, as this if for your first account.�
�What first account?�
�The account you had before you had your checks stolen.�
�Well, now that I�m here, you can fix it, right? You can get my ATM card working so I can get some fucking money?�
�Not off of this card, since this account was closed. We�ll have to wait until they send you the new card, and then we�ll be able to set up your funds.�
I started to get up. �How about your savings account?� he asked.
I sat back down.
�What savings account?�
�You have a savings account with us.�
�I never opened a savings account... Wait, how much is in the savings account?�
�Nothing.�
�You know why? Because I never opened a savings account with you! Why open a savings account if you have no savings?�
He closed that account and said to come back when my ATM card arrived. I stormed out of the supermarket they were annexed to, furious.
And I was furious. And after two months of passively dealing with idiots and criminals, it became clear what I needed to do � I needed to get in somebody�s face.
Walking outside, I saw a guy with a table set up by the automatic doors. I looked at his table. There was a handwritten sign reading, �SUPPORT THE RIGHT TO KNOW INITIATIVE.�
Yeah. He�ll do.
For those not in California, I�ll explain: There�s a drive to put this initiative on the ballot for the next election that would require places like Planned Parenthood to notify parents when minors try to get abortions. It�s an obvious gateway initiative to make abortions harder to obtain and to prosecute doctors who perform such procedures.
The signature gatherer was busy talking with another supermarket patron when I exited, so I grabbed a form and read over the fine print, even though I�ve read this initiate several times before. The customer finally walked away, thankfully without signing anything. The signature gatherer turned to me.
�Would you care to sign our...�
�No, I would not care to sign your petition,� I shouted over him. �In fact, I think you�re FUCKED for trying to get this on the ballot! Haven�t you stopped to think that if a minor is not getting assistance from their family, there might be a reason behind it?�
�Hey, I�m just paid to collect signatures...�
�You mean you�re collecting signatures for a measure you don�t even support? You realize that makes you worse than just an asshole, that it makes you a whore?�
�Hey, I�m not saying I don�t agree with it. It might not be the best solution, but we want to protect that baby in that young girl�s womb...�
�Ah, so you�re saying what I�ve thought all along � this isn�t about the parent�s right to know, you�re just trying to stop abortions, period! You have any adopted kids, asshole? �Cause I�ll tell you, I lived next to a foster home, and grew up with the same kids stuck in that foster home until I moved away! And if you�re not willing to put up then you need to shut the fuck up!�
�There are other programs...�
�Yeah, I�ve seen you�re fucking programs � they aren�t working! And with this proposal you�re going to overload these programs! I mean really, have you thought about the reasons why a minor might not be willing to tell their parents? Have you considered kids that are stuck in incestuous or abusive relationships?�
�Yeah, yeah we have,� he said.� In abusive situations, the parents wouldn�t be notified.�
�So what�s to stop any kid from coming in and claiming that?�
�Well, Planned Parenthood wouldn�t decide that, it would go though the courts...�
�And you think any kid, already frightened, worried, and confused wants to take this into a courthouse? And by the time it finished in the courts, wouldn�t it be too late to do anything about the unwanted pregnancy?�
�No, the courts would decide the case within three days.�
�You think the courts would hear and rule in a case within three days? Are you fucking nuts?�
The guy dropped the professional act. �What did you call me?� he asked.
�You heard me,� I said.
�Are you saying I�m nuts?�
�No, I�m saying you�re fucking nuts, especially if you think a matter like this can be settled in three days.�
�Well, I�ve let you swear at me, and I�ve let you yell, but I�m not going to sit here and let you call me nuts. This conversation is finished.�
I felt the same way. I had been in the bank branch for too long, and I wanted to do my coffee and reading ritual before starting work. I started to walk away.
�That�s right,� he said to me as I turned away from him, �you get the fuck out of here.�
I stopped in my tracks and turned around. �Ooh, I was gonna go, but now I�m staying.� I started back toward his table.
By this point there was already a small gathering of people, sticking around to see what the freak with the purple hair (me) would do. As I was walking back, I saw the authoritative supermarket employee walking out the door. I figured I was going to be asked to leave, since I was doing the majority of the yelling.
Instead the woman walked up to the signature gatherer. �You have to leave right now,� she said to him, pointing her finger in his face.
�Hey, I was just standing here, and he started yelling at me...�
She cut him off quickly. �I told you this morning that if there were any problems, you were out of here. This is a problem.�
She never looked in my direction. It was obvious that she was as offended by the proposal as everyone should be, and was now capitalizing on the opportunity to get him out of here. I stood off to the side, my face feeling like it would crack open with the huge grin I was sporting.
The guy tried to argue, but she cut him off. �I�m going back inside, but I�m coming back out in five minutes. If you�re not gone, I�m calling the cops.� She turned on her heels and went back into the store.
The signature gatherer looked at me with sheer malevolence. �I�m just trying to do my job,� he spat at me.
�Your job is going to fuck people over, so I think it�s fair that you get some of the receiving end of it,� I answered.
�I bet you don�t even like kids.�
�You know what?� I said, �You�re absolutely right. But I�ll still protect them.�
Thirty minutes later, still pumped off the adrenaline from the confrontation, I ran into a friend of mine and told her what happened. She shook her head.
�You know, you do all this stuff to help people you don�t even know, and you do all these good things,� she said. �Yet you still have the worst luck out of anyone I know. You have a lot of Karma owed to you.�
Way to state the obvious, buddy.
