David Morgan, �Monty Python Speaks!�
- Something I brought to Hawaii that I probably could have left behind: My big fucking Army of Darkness statue.
- Something I left behind that I could have used: Socks.
Well, perhaps that lesbian pick-up notice was just a little too jarring, as most of you seemed stunned into silence. Or perhaps not. Maybe you�re one of the people fortunate enough to see me before I left, and you knew what my living accommodations were going to be like.
See, when I wrote about finding a place to live from a listing on Craig�s List, what I didn�t mention was that the response I got from the people I now live with went like this:
�So, how do you feel about a living in a tiny room with two lesbians?�
Oh, there are so many ways to answer that question. And they�re all funny.
Actually, you�d be surprised how many times I have heard this particular question in my lifetime.
So yes, a lesbian picked me up at the airport. She also happened to be my new roommate. It just sounds better to say that I got picked up by a lesbian. Hell, everything sounds better when you add the word lesbian. This has infuriated people like my mother to no end. Whenever she asked about my new place, I would say, something like, �Oh, the lesbians are taking care of that.�
�Can�t you say something other than lesbians?� she would ask. �Something like �ladies� or �women�?�
�Geez, mom,� I�d answer, �Why do you feel the need to put a label to everything?�
But some labels are good. Labels like lesbian. It�s just such a great word, almost on par with �monkeys� and �boogers.� It just makes any sentence better. I mean, think how these statements would sound if they didn�t have the word in them:
�Gina just called. She said she�s bringing potato salad and lesbians for the potluck tonight.�
�Ten dollars for lesbians? That�s a damn reasonable price!�
�A lesbian told me that the tumor is malignant and I have six months to live.�
So yes, I�m living in a tiny - tiny room. With two lesbians. In Hawaii.
I�m not even going to ask if you�re jealous.
Anyhoo, so Lesbian Number One picks me up at the airport. Before I got here, she asked if I had some sort of itinerary for when I arrived.
�One,� I wrote back, �Find a good pizza place.� Two, find a good dive bar. Three� I don�t know, find a job or something.�
So after dropping my stuff off at the tiny place, we went to the pizza place down the street.
Pitchers of Newcastle are eight dollars.
I�m not sure you could improve on that sentence even with the word lesbian.
