The Monkey King's Used Primate Emporium and Book Reviews

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Alan Moore, �Swamp Thing: Earth to Earth�

Started August 15 � Finished August 15, 2005; 160 pages. Posted 15 October 2005

Those of you who don�t have Diaryland don�t know this, but when I login at this Web site there�s a little message box at the bottom showing the last time I updated. If it only been a day or two you don�t think anything of it, but once three or more days pass, it looks petulant. Once it passes the seven-day mark, it looks downright accusatory.

�Monkey-king: Updated seven days ago.�

�You want to take that snot out of your voice before I knock it out of you, Diaryland,�

�What? I�m just saying.�

�I know you�re just saying, but do you have any idea what my day was like?�

How could I? You haven�t written anything in...�

�Hey! What�d I just say?� I hold my knuckles close to the screen for emphasis.

�Oh yeah, tough little monkey-king who doesn�t update in a week. Just what was your day like?�

My Day: Friday, Oct. 14

Last time I worked, one of the employees asked me what my number was. I emulated the first episode of that show, where Patrick McGoohan looked shocked and appalled at that very same question and said simply, �I am not a number. I am a person.�

They didn�t get it. And yes, this is working out to be quite the sequel to my book.

And speaking of books, why did I need to go home to pick one up? I�ll get to that.

This needs explaining. From probably 1986 to 1991, I went to pretty see NoFX pretty much anytime they played at Gilman, which was usually once or twice a month. Up until 1990 or thereabout, the band were still making these crappy, homemade, poorly screened shirts on cheap white cotton T-shirts. Since they weren�t putting a lot of effort into fancy designs, they usually had a childish drawing on the back with tour dates. I still have one of these shirts from their �Under-wa-tour� in 1986.

My point? THE COMPANY obtained a re-released shirt from 1988, complete with tour dates, and mass-produced it, selling them for $17.99 a pop.


Melissa: �I love this new car.�
Jason: �Me too. Do you know what else I love?�
M: �What�s that?�
J: �You.�
M: �Yeah. We should run over some children.�
J: �Yes, let�s go kill children.�
[beep!]

She stared at me for a second, then finally told me it was an answering machine with two people talking.

�Did they mention killing children?� I asked.

�Yeah, they did.�

�OK, that�s my number.�

She looked at me like I was a total freak. Yeah, lady. You�re the one with the silver contact lenses and wearing four inch moon boots that are covered in faux-fur � in Hawaii � and I�m the freak.

�Well,� she said finally, �I guess I won�t ask you to babysit.�

�Oh, that�s right,� I said. �You have kids, don�t you?�

Heh, heh, heh

Yes, yes, fine. I�m a dork. In any case, I took it out of the packaging and discovered it was broken. So now I was making them do a return. When they asked me to state why I was returning the item, I wrote �Shoddy merchandise.�

Knowing how they have a policy against satanic influences, I thought about saying the devil made me do it, but I was happy with my response.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I went home to get the book.

I had emptied out my entire bag, putting one book in its place.

Specifically, this book. When they looked through my personal items, this was the only thing they saw. That was probably enough.

Next time, I swear I�ll talk about Hawaii.

Or the book.

Maybe even both.


Rating: Worth new!

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