The Monkey King's Used Primate Emporium and Book Reviews

Noam Chomsky, �The Chomsky Reader� (James Peck, editor)

First of all, I�m positive I had some kind of tangent to go into regarding a passage in this book, but it�s four in the morning and I just got home from my punk rock DJ night, so I have no idea what it is. But you can bet it was mighty fucking profound.

I suppose, what with dealing with a book involving a media critic, I should come clean and say that last entry could be considered a wee bit sensationalistic. Yes, the Honolulu Weekly did say they�d love to have me, but that comes with the caveat that they�d love to have me come work for them... For free, as an intern.

When I first mentioned that I was interested in a job, or at the very least, and internship, my editor responded with, �I will certainly keep you in mind for a staff position if one comes up,� which doesn�t sound all that promising. She then explained that they have a constant influx of interns but added that they don�t get paid, so that might affect my decision.

But she also explained that I would continue to get paid freelance rates for any writing I did for the paper as an intern, and I�d still have my column. (Wow, I�m calling it �My� column now. Perhaps it�s because I�ve been published for the last month straight, including my newest piece, which came out yesterday.)

I answered with the confession that my entire plan involved going to graduate school in order to get the unpaid internship, whereupon I planned to make myself so invaluable there would be no way they would let me leave. Having the opportunity to work with their paper for free, I explained, beat the hell out of paying three-to-five thousand dollars a semester just to get the chance to work for them for free.

So yeah, an internship isn�t nearly as exciting as I made it out to be, but I�m still fucking excited. And I am planning on making myself invaluable while I�m there. Hopefully, they�ll be able to see that.

But I haven�t as of now accepted the offer. I can�t just yet. Next month, I�m off for the weekend to see the land of all that is filled with White Folk, which some people call Massachusetts. I call it Honkeytown. Caucasianville. Crackerland. I don�t know why I�m filled with assumptions that the state is filled with nothing but pasty-white potato eaters, as I�ve never been there. But I�m willing to put money down that I�m not wrong.

And you want to know what�s really scary? I�m going there to meet Kelly�s parents. Her father does some kind of work for the government that he isn�t allowed to talk about, so if you don�t hear back from me by around May 25th, you can take that as a sign that the meeting didn�t go well.

Jesus fuck, this is the sign of a disaster in the making. I�m a smart ass and I�m a reporter, and I�m going to be in the same room as a guy who is privy to sensitive classified government inter-workings. And I�m going because Kelly�s sister is getting married, so I�ll be in a banquet hall with this guy. I already have images of the opening scene from The Godfather running through my head.

�So Dean, what can I do for you, on this, the day of my daughter�s wedding?�

I know I�m going to ask who actually shot JFK.

Man, I�m gonna die.

As for the DJ night tonight � apparently I need to have more birthdays. Last week we had quite a bit of people, all of whom seemed to be having a really good time. On Wednesday, the club had its alternative/gothic/industrial night, and the turnout was abysmal. The owner made the comment that if my night was just as bad, he was going to sell the place. I said there wasn�t any way my night could do as poorly as what just transpired.

Hubris.

We had three underage kids when we first opened who stayed for about an hour. Not that it matters, as the owner judges the success on these things by how much the bar makes. Two employees stopped in to say hello. We could�ve closed early, but strangely enough the owner actually likes the music I play, and neither of us had anything better to do tonight so we stayed open until 2 a.m. Finally, one lone guy walked in around 1:45 and had two beers.

About the only interesting thing that happened was Mohammed, who runs a hookah service at the club on Friday and Saturday, recognized the potential when he came last week for my birthday. Seeing as my set isn�t conducive to dancing, he set up his kits to capitalize on sedentary state of the patrons. If there were any, that is. Which there weren�t. When people failed to show, he spiked my drink with absinthe. I was reluctant to let him do it as I feared I would either hallucinate on the way home or slide into some sort of Moulin Rouge moment, but as it turns out this stuff makes you sharper and more alert than Red Bull. So hi! Wanna debate for a couple of hours?

I don�t get it. People who come on my DJ night always seem to enjoy my playlist, (which I�ll put at the bottom for the benefit of the anonymous self-proclaimed dork who liked seeing them) but I can�t seem to get any consistency in terms of turnout. The owner, hoping to capitalize on the forthcoming closure of The Wave (which I wrote about in the paper for their Pretty-N-Punk event) asked if I�d be open to expanding my playlist to move out of the punk niche.

In his words he would like me to branch out, playing more songs out of the common canon. The thing is, I�m not really a DJ. I�m just a guy who likes music and has a lot of records. The stuff I play are the same things I play at home. And yes, there�s lots of songs I would like to play but don�t have. At the same time, I�m very frightened of the prospect of having to play stuff that I think is crap, just because a person spending money wants to hear it.

As an example, one of the underage kids asked me to play �some industrial.� I explained that I didn�t have any but tried to find some stuff that was comparable, things like Oiler and Lard. I don�t mind some industrial music, I just had other things to spend my money on when I was at the store. I�m going to update my request list for those who are burning CD�s for me to add things like Ministry and the Revolting Cocks. But I can�t help but worry that I�m starting some terrible slippery slope where I have a Paula Abdul CD, �Just in case.�

So yeah. If anybody has money to burn, would you grab a plane ticket and show up to my DJ night to keep the purity intact? I mean, who wouldn�t want to hear this stuff?

Don�t answer that.

• Adrenaline O.D., A.O.D vs Son of Godzilla
  
• Alice Donut, The Son of a Disgruntled X-Postal Worker Reflects On His Life While Getting Stoned in the Parking Lot of a Winn Dixie Listening to Metallica (this is the best song title of ALL TIME!)
  
• Angry Somoans, They Saved Hitler�s Cock
  
• Anti-flag, You�d Do the Same
  
• Avengers, The Amerikan In Me, Paint It Black
  
• Bad Manners, Skinhead Girl
  
• Bad Religion, In the Night
  
• Butthole Surfers, TV Star
  
• Christ on Parade, Lifesucker
  
• The Clash, Jimmy Jazz
  
• Corrupted Morals, Where Is He?
  
• David Bowie, Ziggy Stardust
  
• Dayglo Abortions, Fuck My Shit Stinks
  
• Descendents, I�m Not a Loser
  
• Devo, (I Cant Get No) Satisfaction
  
• Dead Kennedys, Forward to Death (live), Riot
  
• DI, Stick to Your Guns
  
• Dickies, Stukas Over Disneyland
  
• Diesel Queens, Assman
  
• DOA, 13
  
• Dr. Know, Watch It Burn
  
• Econochrist, Misspent
  
• The Faction, Why Save the Whales?
  
• False Prophets, Scorched Earth
  
• Fingerprint, Status
  
• Fleshies, Meatball
  
• Flogging Molly, If I Ever Leave This World Alive
  
• Fugazi, Sieve-Fisted Find
  
• The Gits, Drinking Song
  
• Grimple, Walls of Shit
  
• Hanson Brothers, Road Pizza
  
• Hellworms, Washed-Up Has-Been
  
• Hickey, Believe
  
• Idiot Bitch, Secret Game
  
• Ill Repute, Fill It Up
  
• Jack Acid, Hooded Gaze
  
• Jawbreaker, Driven
  
• Jello Biafra with Nomeansno, Bruce�s Diary
  
• Krupted Peasant Farmerz, Open Up
  
• Lard, Mate Spawn and Die
  
• Logical Nonsense, Enemy Within
  
• Th� Inbred, But Not for Me
  
• MDC, American Achievements
  
• Misfits, Astro Zombies, Where Eagles Dare
  
• Mohinder, Inhuman Nature/Numb
  
• The Muffs, On and On
  
• Murphy�s Law, Crucial Bar-B-Q
  
• Naked Aggression, Austurias Leyenda espa�ola - opus 47
  
• Naked Raygun, Which Side You�re On
  
• Neurosis, Shallow, To Crawl Under One�s Skin
  
• NoFX, Seeing Double at the Triple Rock, Shutup Already
  
• Nomeansno, The River
  
• Oiler, Dumb Job
  
• Pegboy, Dangerwood
  
• Propagandhi, A Speculative Fiction
  
• Ramones, Sheena is a Punk Rocker
  
• RKL, Lay Your Weapons Down
  
• Samiam, Speed
  
• Screeching Weasel, Hey Suburbia
  
• 7 Seconds, Young Til I Die
  
• SNFU, I Forget
  
• Social Distortion: Anti-Fashion, Playpen
  
• Specials, Ghost Town
  
• Stiff Little Fingers, Suspect Device
  
• Stikky, Mr. Meanie
  
• Submission Hold, Tuesday Afternoon at the Stock Exchange, Part II
  
• Supersuckers, Hell City Hell, Run Like a Motherfucker
  
• Swiz, Cause
  
• Talking Heads, Road to Nowhere
  
• TSOL, I�m Tired of Life, Love Story
  
• Toy Dolls, A Far Out Theme Tune/She Goes to Finos
  
• Victim�s Family, Powertrip
  
• Vindictives, Medication Time
  
• Tom Waits, Rain Dogs
  
• �Weird� Al Yankovic, Alburquerque
  
• Whiskey Sunday, Wounded Lamb
  
• X, Johnny Hit and Run Paulene
  
• Your Mother, Stickfish
  
• Zero Hour, The Fool