The Monkey King's Used Primate Emporium and Book Reviews

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About the Monkey King

-. Posted 09 June 2004

Howdy. Dean is the Monkey King. He reads a lot because he works at a used bookstore. All the money other people would spend on drugs, he spends on books.

That can add up to a whole lot of unread books.

Over 200, actually, as Dean found when he counted his book backlog on New Year's Day, 2002, which is as good a way as any to spend a day when you're half dead with a hangover.

Once Dean learned to read the books instead of smoking them or chopping them up with a razor blade and snorting them or sitting on them hoping to hatch $20 bills like he used to, he started reviewing them.

And a fat lot of good that does him. He has to slog through huge tomes and boring novels and collections of letters by drunks and weirdos. You read the reviews at work when you're slacking instead of working so you can pretend to sound educated, like you read real books with lots of words and no pictures in them.

For this, you should definitely give him money: at least ten bucks for every time rambling about a book you haven't read gets you laid or gets you a phone number or something, and five bucks just because he's entertaining.

Or you could give him the money because if he gets enough of it, he'll buy a boat. And if he gets a boat, he will sail around in the tropics drinking beer and having sex and eating bananas and fish and he'll be way too busy lounging in the sun and drinking to pester you.

And why "Monkey King"? If you have to ask, then you've never played a drinking game with Dean. (Thanks to Joe Demaree for the Monkey King illustration on this site, by the way. He's a real artist, or claims to be one, and the drawing he did for this site is way better than the chicken scratches Dean would've come up with.)

Rating: -

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