A Special (meaning retarded) Announcement
Editor�s note: While typing this out, we had an election for the recall of California Governor Gray Davis. The results came in. My response was as follows.
We interrupt our regularly scheduled travelogue for the conciliatory statement by Gubernatorial candidate Dean Carrico.
Good evening.
Many may question of the necessity of a conciliatory statement from my party camp, as my campaign lasted exactly 36 hours, 24 of which were spent nursing a hangover in bed, the only campaigning involving answering the phone with, �Vote Dean� to confused telemarketers.
I make this statement not for my own candidacy, but must concede on a different issue. For years I have questioned the general mindset of the public, yet I still held out the hope and desire for the hoi polloi to recognize the difference between shit and shinola.
I have misjudged you, the people of California, and for that I apologize. For I, at 12:45 a.m. of October 8, 2003, realize you are all dumber than a sack of hammers. You�re about as sharp as a wet sponge, or perhaps a bowling ball. Crazy as a shithouse rat. You�re so stupid, you got fired from the M&M factory because you threw out all the W�s. If you owned a zebra, you�d probably name it �Spot.� I remember the time you sold your car because you needed gas money. Then you bought a motorcycle and accidentally locked yourself outside.
But I digress. I say this because I have just witnessed one of the most idiotic post-election results in history. With 49 percent of precincts reporting, 54 percent of this state thought the recall of Gov. Gray Davis was a good idea. I understood the reasoning behind this when it first became a ballot issue. After all, every person has had a job at one time where they fantasized of firing their boss.
That�s all this was � a mean-spirited jab at a person in power. Normally, I�m all for mean spirited jabs at people in authority, but to plagiarize Bobcat Goldthwait, blaming Gray Davis for the state of the Californian economy is like blaming Ronald McDonald when you get a bad cheeseburger � neither of them run the company.
But the blame was laid and to succeed him you picked a person who didn�t have enough sense to stay away from movies like Jingle All The Way and The Last Action Hero. It�s no wonder I hear a faint rattling sound whenever you people shake your heads.
Some of you may protest or even resent this blanket statement. You may say that you voted against Arnold, or even against the recall. But, despite what Cruz Bustamante said, you have failed. You have failed because you didn�t kill any and everybody who declared they were for these two points of order.
Bad voter electorate. Go lie down.
If there is any good to come from this, I hope some of you monkeys will think about how the media presented our choices. Why was Arnold considered worthy of front-page news across the country? Because he�s been in a stream of shitty movies for the past two decades?
The answer, sadly, is yes. We are a celebrity-obsessed culture. But I always wondered why Huffington got the attention that she did, even though she never had more than two percent of the state�s support. The reason followed the same lines � she was a celebrity. And a rich one at that.
This is also why other candidates � some of whom actually tried to conduct a serious campaign � were totally ignored by the press and the media. Frankly, I�m amazed Camejo got as much attention as he did, and his media coverage was scant at best. The only other attention was to the freak power vote � Mary Carey because she always shook her tits on camera, Gary Coleman because he�s short, and Larry Flynt because, well, he�s fucking Larry Flynt. Other candidates, unless they fit in with what the press deems �localism� were ignored.
Pundits declare Arnold�s victory as a sign from the public that they were sick of �politics as usual,� but this followed all the standards of politics. The political ideology states that our government is one that is dictated for the people, by the people. This is supposed to imply commonality between the voters and the electorate.
And if you believe that, it�s no wonder our state test scores are so low. The only way a person can win an election in this climate comes from the amount they spend on a campaign. A poor person, or even a moderately well-off person cannot be elected in this country. We have conceded to let the few rich control the many poor.
Arnold can buy the commercials that Jack Grisham cannot. Huffington can enter the debates with no problem, even with low support numbers, while the rest of the candidates have to fight for face time on Jay Leno, only to be ridiculed for trying to participate.
This is democracy?
Equal Time laws used to ensure everybody running for government positions was awarded the opportunity to address their constituency. Reagan whittled down those laws to the point that they are now meaningless and the media can now ignore whomever they choose, from the zany and insane, to the so-called serious candidates such as Camejo. And thus, he who can afford to spend the most, wins. The people have spoken, only we can hardly understand what they say because of the froth of saliva dribbling from their Mongoloid mouths.
And so we must reflect. Is it time to run screaming and naked into the hills? Well, yes.
But, ever the optimist, I have decided that some good may come from this election. For if there was one thing that Arnold said with any sincerity or comprehension, it�s that he supports big business and more important, he supports the wealthy.
And so, I am starting my own business. Starting tomorrow, I will begin production on a line of T-shirts emblazoned with the words �CALIFORNIANS ARE IDIOTS � RECALL ELECTION, 2003.� Shipping will be made available worldwide, as we�ve become a worldwide joke. And with my soon-to-be-amassed fortune, I will, one day, run for Governor. And I�ll be so stinking filthy rich that I�ll probably win.
And then I�ll rule you all with an iron fist.
California Idiots �ber Alles
Sincerely,
Dean Carrico
Your Lord and Master.
�I�ve known sheep that can outwit you. I�ve worn dresses with higher IQ�s, but you think you�re an intellectual, don�t you ape?�
�Apes don�t read philosophy.�
�Yes they do Otto, they just don�t understand it!�
-From the film A Fish Called Wanda
