Stephen King, "Insomnia"
(This is part 9 of an 18-part story, which begins here. Part 5 is here. And here is where you find part 10. Part 15? Right here. And the end of this entirely too long story is located here. After that, you�re on your own.)
Finally, I�m reading a beach book, and I just happen to be reading it on the beach!
And speaking about beaches...
THREE REASONS WHY THE OCEAN SUCKS
- 1: You can�t read in the ocean.
- 2: You can�t drink in it either.
- 3: The ocean is rather boring.
But I�m not snorkeling, I�m not surfing (which I don�t know how to do anyway), I�m not even using a boogie board. I�m just in the ocean, getting knocked around by some waves. Yes, it�s fun for a while, and I�m glad to be there, swimming around and body surfing. But it�s the equivalent of being on a swing, or maybe a see-saw. You swim out, then glide in. You swim out, then you glide in.
Wheeeeeeeee!
Meanwhile, sand goes everywhere, I realize that I left my cigarettes in my pocket when I jumped into the water and somebody on shore seems to be angling closer and closer to where I left my wallet.
Kaua�i is one of the least-populated islands of the five (I believe Molokai has an even smaller population that Kaua�i, but I�m not going to swear by it.) Hell, the middle of the island is practically inaccessible, having a rainforest that is called �The wettest place on earth.� What that means is that there isn�t a whole lot of tourists that come through.
Now, I�m no fan of tourists, but it also means two things: The island shuts down around 8 p.m., since there�s nobody to cater to, but more importantly, the people that do come to the island are inevitably of three types And this brings about a new category.
FOUR REASONS WHY THE BEACH SUCKS IN KAUA�I
- 1: The majority of people on the beaches in Kaua�i tend to be families. The parents of these families almost always decide that they should be wearing bikini�s or speedo swimming apparel, and nine times out of ten, they should be criminally prosecuted for wearing these kind of items.
- 2: Most of these parents have brought along their children, but it�s the children that are probably around 10-to-14 years-old, the age just before they decide that they despise their parents. I know my eyes just ain�t what they used to be. Also, despite the fact that the girl I dated when I was fifteen had the biggest breasts in my school, the majority of girls that age was built... well, they we�re built like me. Something has changed in the last ten years, perhaps because of all those growth hormones that they put in milk. There were more than a few times that I thought somebody who was closer to my age was strutting up the beach, only to realize once they got close enough that I could probably be arrested for looking.
- 3: The very small percentage of girls closer to my age, or indeed, people of legal drinking age are 99% of the time there with their significant others, all of which look like they could burst my head open with their pectoral muscles alone.
- 4: This means that it didn�t take long before I had given up on people watching and buried my face in a book.
But despite the fact that I have a heart (and probably lungs) blacker than the darkest night, and that I have more soul (and I�m super bad) than any other honkey on this or any other continent, I�m a pasty white guy who burns easily (which some girls find sexy).
I�ve never really grasped the concept of tanning to look good, because I equate it with cooking your skin. Also, I think it�s like guys who take steroids - you may look good in one regard (usually the same people who like Adam Sandler movies), but it�s doing a half-dozen other things that are going to make you look like a mummy that needs to be inflated ten years down the line.
So what can I do? I slapped on the highest sunscreen possible, stayed in the shade, sipped my drink, and read my book. And the book, whilst not horrible, was so familiar in story line, setup, and execution to other books by King that it�s probably the first time in history that an author can sue himself for plagiarism. How many times can you have a spirit guide explain the meaning behind �Ka� to help the character grasp what is going on around him? I fully expect one of Stephen King�s newer books to have a spirit guide appear to main protagonist, hand him a copy of an earlier Stephen King novel and say, �Here, read this. All of this will make sense after you finish.�