Lemony Snicket, �The Wide Window�
I saw it.
I think the easiest way to talk about the movie version of these books is to tell a quick aside about my mother. Without fail, my mother puts a weekly admonishment toward me, saying that I should quit smoking, and I should quit swearing so much.
So I went to the movie theater today with her. When the end credits started rolling, I screamed, �BASTARDS! YOU FUCKING BASTARDS!!! YOU�RE FUCKING DEAD, DIRECTOR BRAD SILBERLING, YOU HEAR ME? YOU�RE FUCKING DEAD!!!�
And my mom didn�t say a word.
Klaus doesn�t wear glasses. Montgomery Montgomery is given a family and the Baudelaire Orphans spend less than one day with him before he dies. Pretty Penny is gone. So are the peppermints. Count Olaf never physically threatens the children with a knife. The fucking Aflac duck makes an appearance. Entire sections of the first three books are rearranged, excised and ignored, and new parts are invented.
Mr. Poe never coughs.
And Jim Carrey needs to be fed to rabid hungry weasels. He recycled bits that I�ve seen him do on In Living Color, things like doing an impromptu imitation of a dinosaur. I spent several moments during this film with arms raised high, two middle fingers pointed at the screen.
If you read the books, or heard the audiotapes preformed by Tim Curry, which I�ve done both, you might be like me and have a morbid curiosity. Sure, Jim Carrey is a bad choice. But that can�t fuck up an entire movie, can it?
Actually, no. Plenty of the scenes suck where Jim Carrey isn�t in it. This colossal failure can�t all be placed on that schmuck.
So if you�re like me and love these books, you really, really need to listen to me now. Stay away. Stay far away. Pretend that this movie never happened.
And if you can�t get the morbid curiosity out your system, I expect suggestions afterward on how we will make the people responsible for this pay, and pay dearly.
Jesus Christ, I need a drink. And a shower.
