The Monkey King's Used Primate Emporium and Book Reviews

End of the YEAR review: 2005

Officially, I suppose I should be starting with an end of the month review. So for December, 2005, I...

• Read one lousy, stinking book, and it was a graphic novel, to make it even more pathetic.
  
• Money spent on books read during December: $5.50.
  
• Books bought: None.

So for the year of 2005, that means I...

• Read 101 books.
  
• Spent $414.41 on the books I read last year.

Last year, I read 63 more books than this time around, and yet I only spent an additional $116.50. My tastes apparently have become more expensive.

And then that means that since I started this stupid project in 2002, I read 645 books. Kill me.

And I have 27 books left to finish. As a matter of fact, I already finished 11 of them.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Since it�s taken me so long to catch up on documenting of the books I read, it ties in well. There are the Oscars, and the Razzies for film at the end of this weekend, I may as well give out prizes for books. Since I don�t have any money to award, you can have some of my food. I�ve been negative enough in my entries as of late, so let�s start with the positive. Out of those 101 books I read, I picked seven of the best ones.

• #7: Brian Edge (compiler), �924 Gilman�
  While far from perfect, what with several moments of repetition and the majority of those interviewed being from the early (and older crowd), most of whom ended their essays with, �I kinda grew out of the place,� there were enough strong writers with poignant tales about the legendary community-run punk club in Berkeley. Of course, I�m biased as I was also one of the older crowd there. I haven�t grown out of the place, and it makes me sad that Schlong is reforming, yet they�re not playing there. For his efforts, compiler Brian Edge is welcome to help himself to one of my Top Ramen packages. His choice of either Oriental Flavor (Tastes like real Orientals!), or Chicken, which also tastes like Orientals.

• #6 Berkeley Breathed, �Opus: 25 Years of His Sunday Best�
  Bloom County has been far and away my favorite daily comic since I can remember. Stuffed with political humor but never stuffy, and perfectly willing to veer into the realm of the absurd, they simply don�t make them like this anymore, which is too bad, because we could use somebody like that now. (Note for Aaron McGruder, creator of The Boondocks, thanks for trying.) Breathed is welcome to enjoy some Spanish Rice, courtesy of Rice-a-Roni.

• #5: Eric Idle, �The Greedy Bastard Diary�
  A tour diary of Eric Idle on the road retelling skits and performing songs created over 20 years ago with Monty Python. That may make you think he doesn�t have any new material. He does, and he�s one funny bastard. And hell, his press agent gave me free passes with prime seats, so he can�t be that greedy. Eric is welcome to have a turkey sandwich. I bet you thought I would offer Spam, didn�t you? DIDN�T YOU?!?

• #4: Mark Hertsgaard, �On Bended Knee: The Press and the Reagan Presidency�
  Anybody else out there old enough to really remember the entire Iran/Contra affair? I was still young, but was just getting interested in politics, thanks to the Dead Kennedys. That was my first foray into the dishonesty inherent in the higher echelons of government, and even as a young kid that didn�t know better, I couldn�t see how things could possibly get any worse. I mean, selling arms to a hostile country in the Middle East order to support an illegal war in Latin America? Then watching the public turn from righteous indignation into a near hero worship for one of the foot soldiers who freely admitted going against the constitutional oaths, simply because the laws we had were �inconvenient.� Meanwhile, those higher up in power (specifically Reagan and Bush Sr.) simply said �Uhhh... I didn�t know!� and that settled the matter. I watched the proceedings and shook my head, thinking our government couldn�t possibly be any more corrupt or inept.

Oh, what a na�ve child I was.

Hertsgaard, for his efforts, receives a can of tuna. I give this to him for his diligence in research that all came about from the simple fact that something stunk.

• #3: Brian Michael Bendis, �Daredevil: Underboss�
  I started reading Daredevil comics right at the time that Frank Miller (of Sin City fame) was writing for the series. Those series made his name as one of the most talented and daring writers at the time. And while his run was phenomenal, especially with his willingness to take his character to the limits, Bendis did the same, and no better than with this run. He�s now left the series and unfortunately, I haven�t had the money, or a clue where to find a comic shop on this fucking island, so I don�t know how he ended his run. My birthday is in April so if anybody needs gift ideas, I�ll tell you the issues that I�m missing. Bendis gets a spinach salad, complete with baby carrots, grape tomatoes, artichoke hearts, pepperocini, and Greek dressing. (�Tastes like real Greeks!�)

• #2: Erika Lopez, �They Call Me Mad Dog!�
  This was a very close call, and I almost gave her the number one slot. I picked this book up on a whim and normally I would be put off from all the gimmicks, what with the faux, handwritten entries and scribbling throughout. But Lopez has a great combination of being funny and filthy, while having a strong narrative. She gets a side of asparagus (with her choice of either mayonnaise or melted pepper jack cheese) along with a huge slab of pork tenderloin, simply because I think she�d like the �pork� innuendo.

• #1: Chuck Palahnuik, �Stranger than Fiction�
  I�ve read enough of Palahnuik�s fiction to see where he relies a little too much on shock value and twists, so this collection of nonfiction journalism essays was a welcome relief to see that he was more than just a guy with a few simple writing tricks. I�m sure he will forever be remembered as the author of Fight Club, which is almost a shame, because this book is so much better. It�s akin to Hunter�s legacy as the author of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, even though Songs of the Doomed is a much better book. I�d be honored to share my whiskey with Chuck. I have diet coke if you want a mixer, but somehow I�m betting you�d rather have it straight up, on the rocks.

And then there are the lousy books I read, those who ought to be ashamed for cheating me out of money I could seriously use right now. I suppose I need to still have some sort of award, however, so we�ll begin with...

• #7: Lewis Black, �Nothing�s Sacred�
  I saw Lewis Black do his standup routine in San Jose. As much as I love the Daily Show, I knew it would be an extra special night when Black had a segment. Imagine how shocked I was, then, when a pro-American heckler started shouting back at him.

Sorry, I�m phrasing that poorly. The shock came because after the heckling started, Black moved away from the political humor to talk about airplane stories and jokes about being drunk. This memoir makes the crime of not being particularly poignant, as well as not being especially funny. Calling his book �Nothing�s Sacred,� he seemed to play it awfully safe. Lewis is welcome to my deleted e-mail offers of reduced airline fares so he can continue to get new material.

• #6: Anita and Abbie Hoffman, �To America with Love: Letters from the Underground�
  A pointless collection, as the letters were mostly censored, either by the authors (as this was written while Hoffman was a fugitive, and thus had to leave out any kind of incriminating evidence), or the editors out of fear of lawsuits. I can�t help but wonder how Abbie would feel about a book like this, which has no purpose except to move copies to his fans. If he were alive, he could have my end of Student Loan deferment notice.

• #5: Don DeLillo, �Ratner�s Star�
  Maybe I�m retarded, but I couldn�t follow this at all. After loving White Noise so much, I read everything I could get my hands on by this author. I�d say I liked perhaps three out of ten of those other books, and by the time I got to this one, I was simply sick of the guy. I get the feeling people who fall all over themselves to talk about how great DeLillo is are simply afraid of being perceived as one of those people who just �don�t get it.� Me? I�m not afraid. What the fuck are you talking about, Don? Perhaps you can enlighten me while we split some of my Kirkland brand Night-time cold/flu medicine. Not that I�m ill, but I think I need some sort of controlled substance, and I already promised my whiskey to Chuck Palanuik.

• #4: Stephen King, �Secret Windows: Essays and Fiction on the Craft of Writing�
  What the hell, Stephen? You�ve made self-effacing jokes about how you don�t think you�re a particularly strong or talented writer. Are you trying to prove it? You�ve also stated that your fans are so rabid and loyal that you think you could write down a shopping list, and it would hit the bestseller charts.

A shopping list would be more interesting than this crap. You�re welcome to have my shopping list, mostly because I couldn�t afford most of the items I wrote down. Help a brother out, yo?

• #3: Marion Elizabeth Rogers, �The Impossible H.L. Mencken�
  It�s difficult to place the blame on this book. Mencken was a good writer, and many of the pieces in this anthology were wonderful to read. But at over 700 pages, Rogers forgot a basic editor rule about brevity. This was so huge that you couldn�t help but see the tricks he used in his grind which wouldn�t have happened if this had been, say, half the size. Though with the length of my entries, I shouldn�t be bitching about the art of brevity. Perhaps it�s time for me to reread Strunk and White.

• #2: Carissa Van Den Berk Clark, �May It Come Quickly, Like a Shaft Sundering in the Dark�
  It seems almost cruel to pick on this book, which was independently financed and most likely self-published. But the author came off as so pretentious and irritating with her glib anarchism superiority (even though her books sells for 12 dollars), that she needs to be taken down a notch or eight. It�s great that she has ideals. It�s marvelous that she feels passion for the common folks. But if she can�t realize that her own radical hardline is doing nothing more than preaching to the converted while alienating the masses who could use the message, well, don�t be surprised when you become as mocked as the spiritual hippies. And thus, since you have such a close connection with the afore mentioned hippies, help yourself to my air freshener, because the aerosol is killing the planet.

• #1: Chaz Matthews, �Lost in the Supermarket�
  Another independent release, probably self-published. This time, however, I don�t feel bad. Just because you have access to a printer (or other means of media communication), doesn�t mean you should use it. Normally I would simply write this off as a whim project, but since this book was given to me as a review copy, I saw your press release, which was filled unbelievably undeserved egotism. This is not good, Chaz, and not to sound like a hippie, but I hope the trees can enact some sort of revenge for you killing their brethren to get this crap printed (most of which was already available in cyberspace). Since you�re already choking the planet with your filth, why don't you help yourself to my empty whiskey bottles, which the local recycling center won�t take.

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Just as a warning, I'm going to have to mess with the templates so I can set up the archives properly. Since I have no HTML knowledge (this site was designed by somebody else), I may end up ultimately destroying the entire program. So if this suddenly becomes unavailable over the next few days, you know what happened.